She was sitting there for an hour or so. Staring outside the window, not even noticing the birds fighting in the maple tree facing the house. Not a sound in the house but a cat purring of contentment by finding a nice spot to nap on the blanket left on the couch. Her eyes seems lifeless, their blue color turned grey.
A couple hours before, her head was like a hurricane: the thoughts, the pressure, love, anger, despair… they were all fighting in her mind. Breathing was difficult, focusing was impossible.
But now, numbness. Empty mind. Drained by her own emotions, her life.
Suddenly, something woke her from her state. Not a sound, or a thought. Something… she doesn’t know what it is. Something deeply buried in her mind perhaps. So she walks to her room, the cat on her heels, meowing what seems like a conversation. She laid on her bed, the cat getting comfortable on her lap. Her life is passing through her broken mind again.
“Why so much pain and rejection? What did I do?”
But she is able to bury this past, even though it is terrifying it would repeat itself again. Yet, at this very moment, her entire body and soul, her wounded heart, are madly in love.
She promised herself after too much bad experiences that never she would allowed another man into her heart and life. That no one will ever destroy her again. But there he was, pure coincidence, pure luck, she wasn’t supposed to cross his path. And then, that was it. She got caught by him. His smile, his voice, his touch, his presence… Her heart started to beat again. Her lips started to smile again. Her hope was awaken.
“But why would the feeling called love hurt so much?”
“What if I was brought to this earth to suffer?”
Her mind started rolling and rolling. After so much time in love with the one she thought to be the miracle she was hoping for, why is she still seating in this door that connects darkness and light, not knowing which side will claim her? But the darker side is so strong, feeding on her sorrow and pain.
For once, she wants to be honestly loved. For once, she wants to be important to someone. For once, she wants to be cherish by someone. For once, she wants to be the only woman in a man’s life. For once, she wants to be someone’s priority. For once, she wants a true, strong, happy relationship. For once, she wants a kind of “family” life. She thought that was it in the beginning, but she was deceived again. Her feelings and emotions played with.
“Why can’t I have this?”
“I don’t deserve a normal life and relationship…”
“I am not worth his love…”
But she can’t stop loving him. She can’t stop needing him. And god only knows how much she never needed anyone before! But she can’t stop. So her heart bleeds, draining all the blood from her soul.
“What are you doing to me?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Do you realize how much I hurt?”
“Do you realize how much I love you?”
She is still laying there, on her bed. The cat purring on her lap. A purr that used to calm her. But it too strong now, her entire body aches, her soul is screaming in pain and her heart is slowly dying. A tear rolls slowly on her right cheek. She is tired to “feel”.
The moon and stars took their place in the skies, she can see them through her room window. There’s no wind passing through the branches. All is dead outside. As she close her eyes to sleep, she calls out to whoever can hear her stop the pain, and then falls asleep, exhausted.
In the morning, as the sun claims his place to the moon, a dead silence comes from her room. The cat as not moved from her lap, she didn’t move either. The cat woke up, she looked at her, and walked towards her sleeping face. A face with dried tears, and cold. Someone answered her call, she was free, at last. So the cat gave a nose kiss on her cheek, and curled up in her neck.