I wasn’t ready for this tonight, even though I knew it and I felt it for so long that it was ridiculous.
I fell in love with you spring 2014, like I never did with anyone. I have desperately hang on to you, my last hope, my last light in this life. It seemed promising. But as time passed, some things were missing that got me deeper in the darkness I was already walking in. Too much questions unanswered, too much words unsaid, and it never got better, so that dark tunnel sucked me in deeper, and my heart was more than ever craving love and light. A craving that hurted so much, folding my body in two, burning tears falling down my face, losing trust and hope.
I wanted so much with you. I was praying you were finally the one, that finally I would be happy, be someone’s baby girl, be important to someone.
For the past months, it seems even more obvious that I was not important. At least, you made me feel like it. A puppet that you play with and put back in the closet when you have someone else to play with or if she/they snap their fingers.
I was sick. Depression got a hold of me and I thought I could get better. I wanted to get better so I would not lose you… But you got tired of it. And you left me there for months. “Got me out” once in all these months to help you but you put me back as fast in my closet for…?? (Please no…). But I am losing you anyways. So what is the point of me getting better, what is the point to continue walking forward if life thinks I don’t deserve to be happy but to continuously hurt? What is the point to sit on this planet if my last hope doesn’t even want me? What is the point of seeing the sunlight each morning if I can’t have that one and only thing in life?
At night and even during the day, I wonder if you ever loved me for real, if you (still) do now. I wonder why you are doing this to me. Why are you playing with my heart and let it bleed because it doesn’t know if you want to be my soldier that will love and protect me against this evil world? Even with everything I told you, do you even realize how much I love you? Do you think I am taking this lightly and that I am not serious with all those words that told you?
If you have to put a knife in my heart, at least make sure I don’t survive so I can be freed of this pain….