The last hit. 

For almost two years, I was hopeful to find happiness and know how it feels after 36 years. I was deeply in love, words can’t describe how in love I was. As I felt some irregularities, instead of having my depression and anxiety always at a low level, it would act like a roller coaster, I couldn’t get anything out of his mouth, and I was terrified: I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want him to be another cheating/liar/player, I was craving love and security. So I cried a lot, terrified.

In the past month, I discovered that the man of my life was cheating on me. Taking me so much for an idiot, he had the guts to spread it on social media. Now I know why I needed to be hidden.  Why wanting me then?

It’s been a week since I last talked to him, he ended by saying it was my fault and I ruined is life. Plus lies. My fault? All I wanted is to be honestly loved! I am not the one who slept around.

This was the biggest hit I ever took, the kinds that kills you.

So I am here, lying in my bed, unable to live normally, motivation at zero, self-worth/self-esteem gone, trust in people gone, wishing each night to not wake up in the morning because the pain is too vivid and raw, eating my insides. I never thought in my entire life that someone, a man, would have so much effect, impact on me.

As my emotions and feelings are a mess, my mind and soul in a very dark place and my “joie de vivre” is gone… I will stop blogging. I am drowning too much in sorrow, and using the lil energy I have left for my to fight for Pitbulls…

Thanks to those who read me…. Maybe someday I’ll be back, but I doubt I’ll find the path to happiness as it was always taken away from me for some reason.

Be well,

Melanie A.k.A La Louve

bleeding_heart____by_evilsemmy

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