Last night, I ended in the hospital again. I have never felt the need of cutting my wrist this awfully strong. The only person I cared about and was able to hold my head over the water, make me smile, doesn’t care about me anymore, or has he ever…I am destroyed since this same morning. I scream my pain, my needs but no one wants to hear me.
I didn’t want to take my car, I asked my ex to take me to the hospital, I was crying, in pain, he said: “I’m in bed now”. So I took my car.
Depression has become my best and only friend. The kind that loves you so much, he wants to kill you. Breathing is chore, living is impossible. I have seen what they called “professionals” in the past. My last psychiatrist (Qc) refused to analyze me for BPD and go further in my life since my depression is an accumulation of events. He stalled at the very moment, the now only. (A complaint was sent to the College des Médecins)
So I got admitted in this hospital in Quebec last night. Instead of having someone, like both times in Ontario, giving me something to calm me, ease the “pain” until I see the doctor, well like each time in Quebec, like last night, they have put me in a room with no medication and no one, no nurse to come and see me once in awhile to make sure I was ok. I sat there, crying my life, alone for 3h. In such a crisis, I got sick. My emotions had the time to calm down and to shift to anger, hate. When a doctor finally entered the room and casually asked: “What’s up?” with this superior tone and attitude. I told her how sadistic it was to leave me alone, in excruciating pain in a room, with not even a little something to help. She gave me that little smirk and said: “I just got here”. I told her to leave me alone and came back home.
Now, I am totally alone, more than ever. I do have this friend, but the only person that was able to “heal” me, abandoned me and lied to me. He brought me in a darkness so dark, I never thought it existed. It’s thick, suffocating. It wasn’t enough that mental illness pushes away people, that you end up alone, I had to lose it all. I lost my last lifesaver, he doesn’t want me.
I get sick hearing people saying “Oh! it will get better” – “you’re strong, you’ll be fine” – “Everything happens for a reason” – “There’s something for you, be patient”, and so on. Stop pushing those bullshit quotes down the throat of someone in depression, it doesn’t help, it makes it worst. It makes us want to puke, to hit something. Mostly if you’ve be unhappy for so many years, a lifetime. I tasted happiness once, I stupidly walked away.
This past weekend, more than ever, he destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t even get a job and will most probably be homeless in February. I am lost, alone, unloved, a failure, unworthy, and hope has totally disappeared in front of my eyes.
If you have a love one that is hanging on to you to breath, to keep his head out of the water, don’t betray that person, don’t abandon them, don’t leave them. You might be their last thread, and if it breaks, death might be the last person that will welcome that person arms wide open, promising no more pain. Ever.