It only gets worst.

With the “prevention day” about mental health coming tomorrow, on the 25th, mostly promoted by Bell, I just had to write this blog post. Well, in fact, I was about to shut it as I said enough in the past, but when I realized (again) how people are while scrolling some news on Facebook this morning, I went through all the emotions known to man kind. All of them without exception. Huh….Well… Obviously, I did not feel any happiness.

So this date is knocking at our door and people are, for good measure, saying and showing loud and clear that they are approving of this campaign. Sadly, they are all pretty much still doing it for their own “image” towards society. Yet, since my past posts on the subject I have found one or two that did have some humanity to at least ask me “what’s wrong” when they saw signs of despair on my part. I will here thank them with all my heart. You guys know who you are. And I would like to say sorry that I am now incapable of telling what happened and what is affecting me everyday. I have just shut down. Nothing personal. MOUAH!

Now, what ticked me off on this beautiful snowing/raining morning? Well, while I was scrolling on Facebook for news and what ever people are doing or chowing on, I saw this situation again, and today, it was just too much. You have this random girl, typical, photo showing more cleavage than face, that says “Ugh, having a rough day” and you see over 98 comments of people (including my “friends”) asking what’s wrong. What’s wrong with this you’ll say? Well in the past when I asked for help as I wanted to end it (multiple times), I got the silent treatment by the same people and others. So boob lady lost had a flat tire and having a rough day, having the world at her feet to cheer her up, but me, having a blade and wanting to end it gets NADA? What is wrong with this picture I ask you? Hard not to take it personal at this point. Hard not to start thinking, go back in time and think about all the times you were bullied and don’t even know why people hated you. Hard not to think that people actually want you dead. I am still afflicted with severe depression and I am still stuck in a very dark place. As a last call for help, I have recently reached out to an “old” friend that did me good in the past, but that was one of those that abandoned me when he said he would always be there, stating that I was “too broken”. Needless to say, that broke me in millions of little pieces at the time. Well, he is still part of the ghost clan right now. Hopes crushed, again. I should have not crawled back to him. Actually, I think he got worst for what a saw, he wasn’t superficial when I first met him, now it’s scary. Anyway, that is how people are. Selfish. So all this today made me crying mad.

I can’t help but wondering “what is it”? It does feel like I am the only one with this affliction that doesn’t get any support whatsoever. And then you think. Your life was a complete disaster since childhood. On all levels, professionally, personally, and so on. I remember my mom saying that I was not supposed to “happen”, she was not supposed to be able to get pregnant, and when it happened, took over 3 months for doctors to “see me”. So I was not supposed to be here. Is that the “supernatural” explanation? I wasn’t supposed to be here so destiny had nothing prepared for me so I get all the crap thrown at me? Thank god at least I wasn’t an abused child! Yet I was assaulted by 2 exes…

One person actually told me last week that I talked too much, I am too well spoken. So basically, as a woman, I will push away people because I am not a dumb blonde that shuts up and just act stupid and show my boobs around making duck faces? Because I write a lot and not only those 3-words-texts? I am confused. Anyway, I am stepping out the subject but it is still part of my “what is wrong with me?” question.

So, I have stopped “asking for help”. When I have a major crisis, which still happens, I don’t even go to the hospital for help as the last doctor was awfully rude, yeah… Even doctors….(Yet, many thanks to the EMS guy in Brockville and the doctors). So instead, I try to make it all disappear on my own and have my cats remembering me that I cannot end it all, I have to be there for them. So I continue for them. It’s only for them that I endure the pain.

People keep saying that you make your own happiness. That you choose to be happy or not. Well everyone who believes in this have never been bashed all the time even when you do your own lil thing, or abandoned by everyone including your own family. I could do things that makes me happy, like when I was horseback riding, it made me happy for a lil over 60 minutes, kept me calm… But what do you do when no employers want you and have no money? Because yeah, spoiler alert! Money does bring some kind of happiness. When I say that I am cursed in everything, I do not lie.

Now, I know that some will say that it is because I always think negative that good things never comes. It might be now a result of my BPD that I do not have under control anymore, but how do you think positive and keep any kind of hope when it’s crushed CONSTANTLY? How? Please, tell me. Everything I get excited about, new projects, dreams…. That I think will work and bring me back on tracks… Bang! Crushed. Done. I am not allowed.

So, I will see again all these people talking about mental health awareness but not doing what they preach. I will be standing here, still in the worst darkness that can be, alone, hoping that at least other people in the same darkness have the incredible blessing of having someone there to hold them and tell them it’s gonna be okay. I do not wish what I have and going through to anyone. Well, actually I do. I do wish that some people I knew drowns in what I have, not because I want them any harm, but so they can understand my pain, my sorrows… and so they can at least at the minimum think in their heads that they are sorry now for what they did….

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Imaging the monster called “Depression”.

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