Low cost stress “relief”.

So as you all know already, depression and anxiety are my plague. Hard to get some stuff out of your head when it’s put on repeat. Since I grew poorer and poorer and unable to continue my equine therapy, I needed to get my head onto something. Well… other than gaming!

Coloring.

Go ahead! Laugh all that you want! But in a funny way, it actually works. Keeping your mind occupied, bringing you back to when you were a kid. And no need to be talented, just do it!

I usually draw while watching a show on Netflix. Mind fully occupied!

Go ahead! Try it! We are never too old for anything!

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To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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Liberate the Majestic.

Found in almost every seas, the Orca, also known as Killer Whale, is one of Canada’s western pride. This whale is well recognized by his black and white markings and his dolphin like appearance, he can weight up to 6 tons and be 32ft long.

But this Majestic mammal is another animal that human being wants to control and use to feed their hunger for money. For years, the Orca has been chased to be brought in aquariums and theme parks such as SeaWorld and MarineLand, then these facilities decided to breed them. But the family bond in Orca pods is very strong, the calf stays with his mother and the pod. But these facilities separates the mother and the calf, putting the mother in a depression mode and the calf in a stressful situation.

We all have seen in the news the incidents, a whale “killing” his trainer. The “only” one really reported being the one of Dawn Brancheau, when Tilikum had enough. (By the way, on the website attached to “Tilikum”, there’s a petition to free him, please sign!)

Want a reality check? Watch the documentary BLACKFISH::::

These gentle giants, despite the name “Killer Whale”, have been given this aggressive, bloodthirsty image because human beings saw money all over the place if they captured them and displayed them like a goldfish in a bowl. What they don’t know, rather, what they are denying, is that the Orca is an intelligent, sensitive, emotional and social animal. One that is thirsty for the open water to migrate, feed, bond, play. But in some cases, they are kept in small pools until they have to “perform”, the equivalent of leaving your 8 years old in a bathtub 3/4 of his time.

The issue is not that Orcas in captivity can not survived, the release of famous Keiko at the end of the 90’s, mostly known for his Hollywood stardom name Willy, is the proof. Sadly, he died of pneumonia in 2003, but he died free and happy.

I invite you to see his journey back home:::::

As sensitive animals, the Orca is prone to depression and frustration which can lead to aggression, as gentle they can be… We need to stop encouraging the industry, starting by not going to these parks. Spread the word. Sign petitions and get involved. Many of these Majestic Whales around the world are captive and need our help to return home.

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Equine eye opener.

I was reading one of the two books I bought on horses, comfortably sitting in my Civic with a Timmie’s the other day (Yeah I know how that sounds, don’t ask) and I got that flash. As I am right now fulfilling my passion for horses, I am getting those lessons, levels, educating myself with books along the way. I had to do it to know my horses as well as I know my dogs, a all new field.

I think I have mentioned that a friend of mine as brought back this passion by telling me to try a job as groom/hot walker in a race track she works in that will not name. Even though I am not an expert in horses, I have seen a lot but mostly ranch life horses and jumpers. So, as was reading the second book,  and getting in the behavior chapter, it all got clear to me. While I was at this race track, for only a day (Job conditions didn’t fit what I needed…), I noticed a lot of frustrated horses. Horses that wouldn’t listen to “professional trainers” while they were sitting on their backs to “train them” a.k.a have a couple track runs. They would tell you to step way aside when they passed with a horse… I wondered why until I saw those frustrated horses. Now I know why.

As the book is pointing, horses are sensitive animals. They will react to their environment, and if they lack something they will develop vices or behavior problems. It says that to a horse to be balanced and stress-free, they need to be, of course, socialized and we need to present them certain situations so they can be confident. Also, like dogs, to have excellent results and a better “relationship” with him, the training has to be free of all frustration, angriness, violence. The key is calm and assertiveness. But also a horse, needs to be….. A HORSE.

Horses that I have encounter at the track are horses that are brought there in spring, put in a stall, and brought back by their owners for the winter. They are taken out once per day for maybe 30 minutes to run around a race track with strangers, and then come back in the stables. A little walk to cool off around the stable and back in the stall they go. That’s it. For half the year.

Horses are pack animals (called “bands”), they need to socialized with their kind but they also don’t enjoy much to be confined. They will enjoy the security and comfiness of their stalls but to be in an open area such as fields do make them feel better as they can flee if needed (Horses are preys and domestic horses have kept this feeling). And of course, tell me which living being likes to be confined? To do nothing, see no one (the stalls are made so they don’t see each other well), and not being able to enjoy the summer breeze in the mane and a good green grass? No one. So behavior problems, frustration and vices happens.

Of course I have saw some that are very gentle and are the “happy-go-lucky” kind, like the ones that I have cleaned the stall and walked. But I saw aggressive horses, well, maybe it’s too strong of a word, I would say “very low tolerance and I hate you” horses. Nervous horses, horses that will not listen and seem like they want to flee, horses that are hit (not an “order hit”, a “correction hit” with a crop). Yes, they are well groomed, and one even as his daily oxygen treatment (Owner’s demand). But these horses are not allowed to be horses. They are literally only bred to satisfy one’s need to gamble to then be imprisoned.

Want to know something else? Apparently there’s a “thing” that these owners do to have the perfect racing horse, but I couldn’t find any proper article or claims on it:  Surgical procedures on the legs when they are only small foals. I won’t start on this but you can search on it and read what I have found here.

I needed to denounce this. We are talking a lot about dog racing and the poor conditions the Greyhounds are in, but we should also work on the horse’s conditions in race tracks…. and let’s not forget the caleche horses….

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The talented and the useless. 

I came across a meme the other day… And I thought to myself: “So true!”

There’s those stars that I think are really talented, they worked their self up the ladder with some hard work and are today some of the most respected actors. Harrisson Ford, Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Keanu Reeves, Julia Roberts, and so on. 

But then we have the “underclass”. The ones choosed because some network needed clowns for a schedule blank. So let’s take little billionaires’ kids and some no names on the streets and make a few shows!  We ended polluting our TV’s with Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo and Jersey Shore or something like that. 

It made shows with lack of IQ, lack of real life events, lack of class, lack of self respect, and showed us rich kids that don’t give a shit of the little people. The saddest is that they had their little group of viewers that kept them alive for a while! It gives you an image of some part of the population…

Now they are even richer or now rich. They use that money to some selfish deeds and are happy to show the blings! 

No, I am not jealous. But I worked hard and went through a lot and I am still wondering where and how I will live when my house will be sold. So I would take their pay with pleasure! I would get my own little place, cottage style in the woods, couple horses, my dog and some studies for my own culture. Maybe a trip or two. In the middle, give to a local shelter. I would even keep my 2013 Civic coupe…

Anyone wants to hire me? 
  

Love. Simply.

I have realized something in the past year, even more recently. Something that I think I knew but never really saw it as a need. When I was well, I had a few relationships. Relationships I took seriously (2 years, 7 years and 8 years.) and of course “teenage loves”.

I had my share of being played, cheated, assaulted and taken for granted. I ended them quickly, with no looking back. I was my own person, could take care of myself and was so strong. But with my last shitty relationship, and me falling hard like I never did before for a man, it hit me like a tons of bricks. As I am battling to get a normal life again and fighting depression, I realized I cannot go without it. I am not a heartless, I am not a “I don’t need no one” girl. I am like everyone: I want and need to be loved.

Have you ever realized how it can be calming and fill your heart with so much happiness when the person that you love takes you in their arms and hugs you, when you cuddle and snuggle? Seriously, do it, for ONE hug with your loved one, stop, take your time and feel it. Take these feelings in, it’s intoxicating, it’s beyond that well-being feeling. I have just realized it in the past year. Seriously.

Some will take that kiss and hug for granted after a while. And here, I do not talk about mother/child love, friendship love, but that special someone that makes your heart beat louder, that makes you see the world more beautiful than before, that one person you think about all the time. We are all human beings, we all “feel”, we all have weaknesses, we are all in a world that can be cruel, filled with hardships and with people that will hurt us with no remorse, we all need to be special to someone other than mom. Who ever you are, no matter how invincible you think you are.

Love. It’s more powerful than I would ever thought before. I realized I never been really (well) loved. And today, I am craving it. I am craving this man that was there for me lately, that for the first time, I am unable to see my life without. And I am not craving sex, I am craving the feeling of being loved. Craving his arms. It’s amazing to me to feel all this. But I don’t want to make this post all personal. So my message here would be to those that are unable to let someone “in”, whether you’ve been hurt in the past, cheated, beaten, played, betrayed…. love is an amazing thing once you have found it, mostly when you have that ” I think something brought me to that person for a reason” feeling, even if it’s not “perfect” yet but you can’t let go. It makes life worth. But don’t forget that this love cannot be found with a simple spell, it can take time and lots of heartaches. And believe me, right now, even if it’s difficult and not entirely what I need right now due to my health and our past, I am happy that a year ago, I decided to give my heart a chance to love again, as I have now a wonderful man that is able to make my day and myself, feel amazing.

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The haunted and the possessed.

This article from the Huffington Post brought me back to one of my interests and past experiences. The article is about possessed dolls being sold on eBay, with proper warnings, of course. As for today, the most popular “real” possessed doll would be the “Annabelle” doll (originally a Raggedy Ann doll) owned by demonologist and medium, Lorraine Warren.

And in our worst fears and fantasies, the palm, of course, goes to Chucky from Child’s Play. But let’s keep him aside and talk about the “real” thing.

Since the beginning of time, the human being have been confronted with the unexplained: possessed objects moving on their own, voices and noises in the household, unexplained bruises and wounds, a touch when no one is there… These are only a few things that one can experience. Through centuries, the way the human being handled it differs enormously (documented), from the creation of the demon and Satan by the Church, to the Witch Hunts, to mental illnesses, to people actually trying to debunk and scientifically, as well as spiritually, understand the phenomena.

We all wondered what is up there when we die. All religions has their own views on the subject, exclusively spiritual. And it’s fine. What about the scientific view? I am not talking about the scientific sides that says ” you die, you die, period.” But the scientific way that has that spiritual view of things. If we just “disappear” when we die, and do not exist anymore, why so much evidence of the afterlife? Why some stay here and some don’t?

Hauntings can be experienced in various ways, various categories. The classic ones being house hauntings, residual or intelligent, then, the possession of a human being (or object) by a spirit or demon. I won’t get into anything more or elaborate too much as the subject is VERY large, complicated and have infinite information.

The most popular house to be declared haunted was the house that sits at 122 Ocean ave, Amityville, NY. Many claims the search for publicity, some believes in it. After the Lutz left the house, demonologist/medium Lorraine Warren and her now deceased husband, were called to investigate, you can find here the infos. There were also reporters on scene and paranormal staff chosen by the Warrens. Even with the following picture, many still does not believe the house is haunted… but no one can give the explanation on what a child was doing there, when the house was cleared for the investigation…

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For anyone interested in the story of the house in Amityville, from the Defeo murders to today, I strongly suggest this website.

Possession is an entirely different story. A human being (or object), becomes the vehicle to either a spirit or most commonly, a demon. The possess can actually be possessed by multiple demonic spirits. Along my readings, I have noticed that there’s no actual confirmed reasons why they would possess a person more than some others. The use of a Ouija board comes up quite a few times. The device would help the present spirit in the premises that is unable to interact normally, to gain the energy needed by the user through the board. You CAN’T decide who you talk to with this kind of device, it’s who ever is present in the room, and it’s not necessarily friendly. People that are hyper-sensitive and not an enough strong mind to resist, would also be subject to possession. Other theories are out there, but I guess we will never know for real, unless a demon decides to open up, which I absolutely doubt!

Movies such as The Exorcist and The Exorcism of Emily Rose are BASED on actual events. The Exorcist though have been more “romanticized” than the other. I don’t have a website to suggest on the subject as I haven’t find one “professional” enough yet.

Many groups call themselves ghosts hunters and claims houses haunted without even searching properly for evidences… the faucet is dripping? HAUNTED!  If you would enjoy actual investigations with proofs but also debunking, I would suggest Ghost Hunters. Before even thinking that an event is caused by the paranormal, they will try to debunk the phenomena. Even if they are unable, unless they have strong evidences, they are reticent to call a house “haunted”. I personally don’t like the way that Ghost Adventures work. For little I have seen, lots of provocation to get the spirits to manifests, lots of screaming and over excitement, lack of professionalism. But each our style, I guess and I couldn’t go further than half an episode…

The paranormal is a very large area of study, very interesting when studied and put down on paper by professionals and not freak shows to make a couple dollars…

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(Haunted Waverly Hills Sanatorium)

So, why don’t we get along again?

Little me saw my first human, a doctor, in downtown Montréal in 1979. I lived there a few years, moved once or two… but my entire life, from 1985 to 2004, I lived in a north suburb called Repentigny. Its approximately 15 minutes from Montréal via the highway, but a bridge on the other side got us right in the island.

I had the chance to have parents that were bilingual. My father, an engineer at CN Rails, talk both french and english with me since birth, TV shows at home were in both languages. My parents were very neutral when it came to the province’s extreme political views, and I am thankful that I grew in this environment. In comparison to some of my fellow Quebecers from my generation and those after, I consider i’ll be able to work anywhere, interact with everyone and be able to survive on my own everywhere, as I am fluent in the international language. Not only this, as a kid, I have learned to have no prejudice, never knew what racism was: One of my babysitter was a black Haitian, one of my neighbors that would “borrow me” were hardcore Italians, there’s homosexuals in my family, and so on.

You would think that Montréal, as a multicultural major Québec city, the citizens would be “tolerant”. Yeah…. No… Forget it. The suburbs are worst. For that reason (but there’s also others), I’ve always wanted to get out of the province, and yes, I am an authentic French-Canadian from the province of Québec, believe or not.

So when I moved near Ottawa, but on the Québec side, I got close to my goal. I also been able to go deeper  in Ontario and interact with Ontarians and people from other provinces and I am sold! They tend to say that us Quebecers are a warm, social population. Hum.. No, at least not as much as you would think. I have experienced true warmth, and you can find it in the rest of Canada. You see and feel that the rest of Canada is happy, welcoming, very social. Everything that I wasn’t used too. In Quebec, you don’t often get that Tim Horton’s girl joking with you even though she does not know you, you get the one that doesn’t like her job. So you get the basic chatty-chat. So yes, I have this reserved personality by default, yet I am enjoying the happy-go-lucky personality I get here and brings my social side out!

I will still miss Montréal once in a while, I mean, you can take a girl out of Montréal but you can’t take Montréal out of a girl! But I don’t want to look back, life-wise and for what I have mentioned earlier.

Now, Quebecers, when they talk about Ontarians, it’s never positive. My ex-supervisor was the worst. It was exasperating. For some reasons that we don’t know, there’s an ongoing war between the two provinces, but I do suspect it’s more Québec that creates one. Insecure, selfish and easy to bend under fear domination, the Québec population tends to believe thing that at the end are absolutely ridiculous. Mostly the ones that absolutely doesn’t know a word of english. For example, a certain party and the french league says that if we don’t “separate”, and authorize bilingualism and such, the french language will disappear. How completely absurd! A french born family will always keep their language alive within the family and community, like the Italian families and Portuguese. And even better since Québec is originally french! And it’s not because a person knows other languages and that there’s bilingual signs, that the french language will disappear from Québec. No, It will only make it more FRIENDLY. Mostly since this government actually decides if I will send my kid to a french or english school… very smooth, Qc, thanks for controlling my life… I sometimes wonder if I won’t ever get a fine for watching movies in english or if the Sureté du Québec will knock to my door when I leave Québec to bring me back!

We have the most beautiful country, but we can’t get along. Why? And if someone brings up the Abraham Plains battle and such, I’ll freaking slap them in the head “GET OVER IT”! We are more intelligent than this!? And why not declare war and ignore the Germans because of their past while we are at it?

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Don’t take a chance.

Before the game (GO HABS GO!) and in between periods, i’ve catched up with two shows that I follow: 19-2 and Unité 9. They are shows from Québec and they are in french but 19-2 now has his english version. Those last episodes had something to make you think again. Mostly 19-2. One of the officers saw his girlfriend and nephew die in a car explosion, and he tried to save them. His grief was unbearable, Producers did well in showing the hurt and pain.

It just made me think again about how important it is to not take life for granted. I know I have said this before, but don’t wait to tell the ones you love how much they are important for you and how much you love them. This moment might never show itself again. If you have to tell them everyday, so be it, I don’t know anyone that wouldn’t appreciate it.

The “I am so offended” syndrome.

So I woke up today, had a shower, then sat down to read some news on my laptop. The classic: War, ISIS, people doing stupid things like leaving a gun with a young child, etc. Then I came upon this article.  People, minorities, being offended by classic comic books written by Hergé; Tintin au Congo and Tintin en Amérique. They even got them off the shelves, for a short period of time.

Both books tell the story of a reporter from Belgium, sent to different countries to cover stories. “En Amérique” being originally Al Capone and “Au Congo”, the African world. In “En Amérique”, Tintin encounters natives in their classic tribe living. In “Au Congo”, he interacts with black Africans. Now, the way the books are approaching the encounters, is the reason some people are so offended, after more than 75 years on the shelves. Hergé’s books were written and published in the 1930’s, a time where there was this wall between caucasians and other minorities, and when prejudice was at it’s peak. But even then, Hergé was able to keep a form of respect while actually describing the reality of the time. I have always loved the Tintin books. I have read all of them in their original french versions. And yes, there’s some prejudice and old views in them. But they are to be taken lightly. If Hergé had done one book on us Canadians, mostly on the french-Canadian population, I just can imagine what it would be and I would so laugh my ass out! So much preconceived ideas that can be put on papers, ideas that some Europeans and Americans still have on us.

Now I have a lot of difficulty with people that are so offended with “documents” that were published in the 1930’s. With this, I am waiting for the black community to ask libraries to take off the shelves some novels written 100 years ago, where there is black maids and slaves. Well then, let me be offended by the USA’s second amendment and firearm obsession that kills so much innocents and change it right away! But no, I won’t. I don’t agree with our southern neighbors, but it’s their “history”, sadly, I don’t think they will ever learn though. So I stay on my side of the Americas.

Our history, their history, is not all paved with white roses and hummingbirds. We can not change the past and we shouldn’t try. We should use it as an educational way of what is was and what can we do to not slide back in the negative part of it. And know what? Complaining about this kind of thing will only draw negative attention to whatever community is complaining.

I have the feeling that the general planet population is getting less and less tolerant and think less. There’s worst on this planet than a boob on TV and a black slave in a 100 years old novel. There’s kids that are still leaving in violence and hunger, and puppy mills. There’s mass killing and cancer…

People are now offended by a woman breastfeeding her baby, so what do we expect, right? How did we get so sensitive? Life is stressful as is, why not say “I don’t give a fuck” and laugh it out? I am not saying that racist slurs are okay, but we have to measure well what we are fighting for.

So can we all stop a minute, think, get along, and choose better our battles?