To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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Girl problem #2: Baseball Caps.

Who would have thought that a girl problem could be a baseball cap…? It’s not a everyday thing or and some wouldn’t care less, but l I am sure that lots of girls will relate at the end.

I had that cap, a white Nike with the black symbol on the front. Wore it a lot. Always liked to have one for long summer car rides, outdoor activities, when the “mane” doesn’t cooperate, and so on. I wore it until it got yellow at the base and the fabric started to come off! Honestly, I would have kept it… I don’t remember who threw it out…

So, i’ve been on the hunt for a new one, years after. I wanted one from my favorite hockey team: Montreal Canadiens. There’s a lot of nice ones out there, lots! So what is the problem? The back of the caps. Back about 10 years ago, they were pretty much sizable with this opening at the back of them. A blessing for girls like me that have long thick hair, that are not using them to be “fashionable”, so we can put our hair in a ponytail and pass then through the hole. Nowadays, 97% are closed at the back, no opening or sizing whatsoever. So you have to either have your hair loose or with a low-neck ponytail, so you always have your hair in the way, bugging you, mostly on hot sticky days on your neck.

So, what did sport equipment companies thought? I am sure that some guys have trouble finding the right size, and the sizable ones are the best options. Plus, huh, think about girls a little bit guys! The sporting industry, when it comes to team merchandise, always thought about men. It’s only recently that women became, finally, a targeted market. I mostly would like to give two thumbs up to actress Alyssa Milano, a sports fan, that saw the lack of clothing for women and took the step to end this nonsense by creating Touch by AM.  She managed to keep it girly, yet not too much but still fashionable. The only “down” is that some sports/sport teams have lots of choices, some barely, like the Habs….

So, at the end, I have found one Habs cap that I did like. Not a “wow” like some others, but I like it and there’s an opening on the back!

Oh! Yeah!… Those straight leather front ones are ugly as F…..!!

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Girl problem #1: My hair took control.

I used to have those long very smooth looking hair, just like this. Then, when I was 12, me and my mom had the “brilliant” idea to chemically curl my hair. I came out the hairdresser with curls too tight, they have never loosen up. Boom! Another chemical to straighten my hair. My hair never have been the same since then. More fuzzy looking, even the new grown hair.

R.I.P and a moment of silence to my long lost smooth hair…

And take it as a warning people, before putting hard chemicals, other than dye, in your hair, think about it twice..

So I sometimes wonder if I am the only one that her hair is so fussy with the shampoo I use or they have found a way to make me pay the bad treatment. Since maybe 2010, I am unable to use just any shampoo or my hair gets heavy, dull, and gives the feeling like I have residues left on them. I was a Pantene user, but my hair needed some change when the bottle was done, so I got another pharmacy one, to then come back to Pantene.

But then, my hair decided it was enough. I tried sooooo many shampoos before they were finally happy again. My hairdresser think it’s the “hormone change” … ouch! I haven’t done any kinds of research yet on the “why” and “how”, but yeah… I should. But if anyone reading this has the answer….

So now my hair have expensive taste. Their favorite being Nioxin. A very good one. Expensive but biiig bottle. Very good for the growth. But they still like a lot one that I did use before, Infusium 23, which is good because unlike Nioxin, Infusium 23 can be find everywhere.

I took a risk last month, a test. I bought this Marc Anthony natural coconut shampoo. Yes, another expensive one. My hair gave me the finger within 2 days. Back on Infusium 23 and light happy hair.

I’m gonna need funds for my hair…

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