To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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Service Animals.

We all know about service dogs: For the blinds, deaf, disable/handicaps, epileptics, autistics, etc.  The ones that are less known are the cats and dogs that give emotional support; Animals helping those afflicted with PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety disorder, and so on. Cats, dogs, animals are known to calm, to lower blood pressure, bring some happiness in one’s life. We can only think of zootherapy and how sick kids and the elderly suddenly smiles and interacts when that furry therapist enters the room!

There’s also a programs for veterans using horses and have shown great success. Emotional support dogs can prevent crisis, bring comfort and courage to those afflicted with a mental illness… But here’s the problem… THEY ARE NOT RECOGNIZED. Meaning, a person like me, that have severe depression and anxiety disorder, could use one… BUT would not be allowed to bring my dog everywhere I go since they are not recognized as an actual service dog, even though I had crisis at work, and public places such as malls and restaurants. And I think it’s not only in Canada. But they do exist and they do help! But as they are not recognized, not only they are not allowed in public places, but you could get in trouble with landlords that hate animals.

I think that organizations like MIRA and the Canadian Service Dog Foundation, should push to make them service animals like the one’s for the blinds. And know what? They should also do like Courageous Companions, and use shelter dogs….

 

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I am not crazy IV: Drowning in depression and the Quebec health system.

Last night, I ended in the hospital again. I have never felt the need of cutting my wrist this awfully strong. The only person I cared about and was able to hold my head over the water, make me smile, doesn’t care about me anymore, or has he ever…I am destroyed since this same morning. I scream my pain, my needs but no one wants to hear me.

I didn’t want to take my car, I asked my ex to take me to the hospital, I was crying, in pain, he said: “I’m in bed now”. So I took my car.

Depression has become my best and only friend. The kind that loves you so much, he wants to kill you. Breathing is chore, living is impossible. I have seen what they called “professionals” in the past. My last psychiatrist (Qc) refused to analyze me for BPD and go further in my life since my depression is an accumulation of events. He stalled at the very moment, the now only. (A complaint was sent to the College des Médecins)

So I got admitted in this hospital in Quebec last night. Instead of having someone, like both times in Ontario, giving me something to calm me, ease the “pain” until I see the doctor, well like each time in Quebec, like last night, they have put me in a room with no medication and no one, no nurse to come and see me once in awhile to make sure I was ok. I sat there, crying my life, alone for 3h. In such a crisis, I got sick. My emotions had the time to calm down and to shift to anger, hate. When a doctor finally entered the room and casually asked: “What’s up?” with this superior tone and attitude. I told her how sadistic it was to leave me alone, in excruciating pain in a room, with not even a little something to help. She gave me that little smirk and said: “I just got here”. I told her to leave me alone and came back home.

Now, I am totally alone, more than ever. I do have this friend, but the only person that was able to “heal” me, abandoned me and lied to me. He brought me in a darkness so dark, I never thought it existed. It’s thick, suffocating. It wasn’t enough that mental illness pushes away people, that you end up alone, I had to lose it all. I lost my last lifesaver, he doesn’t want me.

I get sick hearing people saying “Oh! it will get better” – “you’re strong, you’ll be fine” – “Everything happens for a reason” – “There’s something for you, be patient”, and so on. Stop pushing those bullshit quotes down the throat of someone in depression, it doesn’t help, it makes it worst. It makes us want to puke, to hit something. Mostly if you’ve be unhappy for so many years, a lifetime. I tasted happiness once, I stupidly walked away.

This past weekend, more than ever, he destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t even get a job and will most probably be homeless in February. I am lost, alone, unloved, a failure, unworthy, and hope has totally disappeared in front of my eyes.

If you have a love one that is hanging on to you to breath, to keep his head out of the water, don’t betray that person, don’t abandon them, don’t leave them. You might be their last thread, and if it breaks, death might be the last person that will welcome that person arms wide open, promising no more pain. Ever.

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Simple dreams but…

During childhood or our teenage years, even adulthood, we all have our dreams, wishes, goals. We want to become this or that. Me, I wanted either to be a police officer or enter the military. Sadly, I never thought about myself, so it pretty much went down the drain for me.

Let’s dream a bit… I always was simple, yet precised. Some wants that big modern house, 23 rooms, 10 bathrooms. Not me, I actually hate modern. I like those centennial old houses, wooden cottage style houses. One that would be away from city stress, in the middle of the Canadian nature, where you can’t hear the highway nearby but can almost hear the history that she saw since she was built. A house you can feel the warmth.

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 Of course, a dog or two. I like a lot of breeds though, such as the Bernese Mountain dog, the Doberman, the Pitbull, the Rottweiler, the German Shepherd…So maybe a mixed breed in a shelter, waiting for his forever home? And why not a little stable? But with not more than two horses to enjoy rides and their incredible zootherapy power: A Canadian Horse and a Clydesdale.

My dream car? I am car girl, I like “muscles” and “tuners” but if I had the choice of a luxury car to add to my collection, definitely a Maserati Quattroporte GTS. But know what? I am happy with my Civic coupe but seriously, the sound on that luxury car? Oh dear! I am drooling!

But these are all materials (Not so much the animals, but you get the point.). If I had the choice, all this,  I don’t want. I want something that 9/10 people on this planet has but I never had: Someone that truly, honestly loves me. I want to stop being on my guards, abandoned myself. I never want to be played anymore. I want to taste happiness because I never did. I want someone that a few times per day will tell me: “I love you” and mean it. I want to feel protected in someone’s arms, be loved. I don’t care if I have to live on the streets, that is not the important thing and I have learned it with time. For some reason, life decided I wasn’t worth this, and I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but at some point, at the age I am, it became a need like water and sun but my hopes are gone, like my trust. So if you have this, please, don’t play with it, be thankful, be very thankful or you might “kill”someone a little more. In my case, I have more chance to have my nearly 200 000$ Maserati….

The last hit. 

For almost two years, I was hopeful to find happiness and know how it feels after 36 years. I was deeply in love, words can’t describe how in love I was. As I felt some irregularities, instead of having my depression and anxiety always at a low level, it would act like a roller coaster, I couldn’t get anything out of his mouth, and I was terrified: I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want him to be another cheating/liar/player, I was craving love and security. So I cried a lot, terrified.

In the past month, I discovered that the man of my life was cheating on me. Taking me so much for an idiot, he had the guts to spread it on social media. Now I know why I needed to be hidden.  Why wanting me then?

It’s been a week since I last talked to him, he ended by saying it was my fault and I ruined is life. Plus lies. My fault? All I wanted is to be honestly loved! I am not the one who slept around.

This was the biggest hit I ever took, the kinds that kills you.

So I am here, lying in my bed, unable to live normally, motivation at zero, self-worth/self-esteem gone, trust in people gone, wishing each night to not wake up in the morning because the pain is too vivid and raw, eating my insides. I never thought in my entire life that someone, a man, would have so much effect, impact on me.

As my emotions and feelings are a mess, my mind and soul in a very dark place and my “joie de vivre” is gone… I will stop blogging. I am drowning too much in sorrow, and using the lil energy I have left for my to fight for Pitbulls…

Thanks to those who read me…. Maybe someday I’ll be back, but I doubt I’ll find the path to happiness as it was always taken away from me for some reason.

Be well,

Melanie A.k.A La Louve

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You have no rights on others.

I’ve just finished reading this article, the first to make me wanna write since a little while, being afflicted by continuous awful things that keeps my soul in darkness. Anyway…

It didn’t only made me want to write, but to rage. Kim Davis, this narrow-minded woman who refused to deliver a marriage permit to gay couples in the US strikes again. I wonder if i’m gonna be able to be constructive in this post.

First, let me say that I have denied the catholic/christian religion a long time ago because of those ludicrous beliefs, for the control this institution had on their followers lives, threatening them if they didn’t obey the “holy laws”, controlling even the justice and “juge de paix” in the beginning of the 18th century. Even today, people following this religion are so much brainwashed to believe that homosexuality is a sin, that they want to control other people’s life too. All this forgetting the part “love your neighbor…”, “love one another”. But whatever your religion is, YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE’S LIFE AND IMPOSE YOUR BELIEFS!!

It’s not “natural” they say, God never made us this way they say… Well for your information, the rest of the animal kingdom have their own homosexual bonds, the most commonly known being the dolphin, a very intelligent and emotional animal. What you guys call “the creatures of god” and that your “book” said to have been saved by Moses, have their own love story and never will their pairs judge them. We are the only “mammal” on planet earth to want to control each other, that lacks basic respect towards each other, that will “destroy” each other whether it’s mentally or physically. I hate people. I have myself, like many others, experience other’s selfishness, the last experienced being the most destructive to my soul. I lost all trust in people. But ok, that’s another story.

Anyway, sometimes religion does that, not only “human nature”. That’s why I decided to believe in the magic of our planet, the nature that surrounds us, Pagan beliefs. Such a liberal “religion” that the bible and his followers have declared war against it for centuries, calling it “demonic”.

What can we do now to make “these extremist of the bible”, leave others alone? That we don’t have to submit to their beliefs? Whether it’s on abortion, gay marriage or birth control, THIS IS NOT OF OTHER’S BUSINESS!!!! It’s not to you to judge them, us! Even less your right, Kim Davis!

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Untitled: If you can’t, then let me leave this world.

I wasn’t ready for this tonight, even though I knew it and I felt it for so long that it was ridiculous.

I fell in love with you spring 2014, like I never did with anyone.  I have desperately hang on to you, my last hope, my last light in this life. It seemed promising. But as time passed, some things were missing that got me deeper in the darkness I was already walking in. Too much questions unanswered, too much words unsaid, and it never got better, so that dark tunnel sucked me in deeper, and my heart was more than ever craving love and light. A craving that hurted so much, folding my body in two, burning tears falling down my face, losing trust and hope.

I wanted so much with you. I was praying you were finally the one, that finally I would be happy, be someone’s baby girl, be important to someone.

For the past months, it seems even more obvious that I was not important. At least, you made me feel like it. A puppet that you play with and put back in the closet when you have someone else to play with or if she/they snap their fingers.

I was sick. Depression got a hold of me and I thought I could get better. I wanted to get better so I would not lose you… But you got tired of it. And you left me there for months. “Got me out” once in all these months to help you but you put me back as fast in my closet for…?? (Please no…). But I am losing you anyways. So what is the point of me getting better, what is the point to continue walking forward if life thinks I don’t deserve to be happy but to continuously hurt? What is the point to sit on this planet if my last hope doesn’t even want me?  What is the point of seeing the sunlight each morning if I can’t have that one and only thing in life?

At night and even during the day, I wonder if you ever loved me for real, if you (still) do now. I wonder why you are doing this to me. Why are you playing with my heart and let it bleed because it doesn’t know if you want to be my soldier that will love and protect me against this evil world? Even with everything I told you, do you even realize how much I love you? Do you think I am taking this lightly and that I am not serious with all those words that told you?

If you have to put a knife in my heart, at least make sure I don’t survive so I can be freed of this pain….

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This awful lonely feeling.

For the past couple days, even more, I have this awful lonely feeling. I have always been more of a lone wolf, but I feel restless. I never had depression before, is it a stage in my road back to normal? My motivation as even lowered. A little bit of tears came back.

This awful lonely feeling.

Or is it that change in me, the fact that I now need someone and that I have no one to call my own anymore for so long?

 La Louve is restless, straying around the territory. Panic and sadness can be seen in her eyes. Her Beloved Alpha Wolf is not there to comfort her. Did he abandoned her? She feels unworthy and not important to him anymore. She howls, but only silence answers. 

I try to keep busy, but I sadly can’t afford (for now) more horse lessons, or any other activities whatsoever, still waiting for some news from an employer.

My head, heart and soul are still hurting. Everything seems to go so well now… except for one thing…. One so important thing..

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My zootherapy: A passion finally fulfilled.

This week I had my first day at fulfilling a passion I couldn’t enjoy since my parents thought it was too expensive. So instead, I did figure ice skating for 8 years. At the end, the cost was the same!

I had my first horse riding lesson. I have ride before of course! But my last ride was 10 years ago, and it kinda disappeared with my obligations and bad relationships. A friend of mine revived my passion by trying a job as  groom… sadly the conditions didn’t fit with my condition.

As my treatment for my depression is going well.. my motivation came back. So much life plans. I need to do some without thinking about…..

So I decided to get lessons, get my levels (Cavaliers) and eventually be myself an instructor or guide. Part or full time. And even if I don’t work, continue with the passion. If I am ever able to have my own horse, I would just dream about the Canadian Horse. What a marvelous horse! Perfect temperament for me.

So my first lesson this last Wednesday. My horse was named Sunny. A lil brushing, saddle and bridle on… and off we go! After so long, sitting on this powerful, intelligent beast was overwhelming. My instructor could see my stiff shoulders. It was pretty much learning all over again. Losing bad habits, getting new ones. Trust the horse again and myself. At the end, she could tell I was more relaxed. The time I have passed there, with Sunny was a stress free moment. I forgot my life for the moment it lasted. A dog is a very good zootherapy animal, but horses are special. The look in their eyes, their calmness… I am jobless right now but hope to be able to keep getting my lessons. It’s my therapy. Wish I could even do it more often.

I just can’t wait for my next lesson….

If you are on Facebook and like Horses but mostly the CH, I have a new page:

The Canadian Horse

Cursed.

She was sitting there for an hour or so. Staring outside the window, not even noticing the birds fighting in the maple tree facing the house. Not a sound in the house but a cat purring of contentment by finding a nice spot to nap on the blanket left on the couch. Her eyes seems lifeless, their blue color turned grey.

A couple hours before, her head was like a hurricane: the thoughts, the pressure, love, anger, despair… they were all fighting in her mind. Breathing was difficult, focusing was impossible.

But now, numbness. Empty mind. Drained by her own emotions, her life.

Suddenly, something woke her from her state. Not a sound, or a thought. Something… she doesn’t know what it is. Something deeply buried in her mind perhaps. So she walks to her room, the cat on her heels, meowing what seems like a conversation. She laid on her bed, the cat getting comfortable on her lap. Her life is passing through her broken mind again.

“Why so much pain and rejection? What did I do?”

But she is able to bury this past, even though it is terrifying it would repeat itself again. Yet, at this very moment, her entire body and soul, her wounded heart, are madly in love.

She promised herself after too much bad experiences that never she would allowed another man into her heart and life. That no one will ever destroy her again. But there he was, pure coincidence, pure luck, she wasn’t supposed to cross his path. And then, that was it. She got caught by him. His smile, his voice, his touch, his presence… Her heart started to beat again. Her lips started to smile again. Her hope was awaken.

“But why would the feeling called love hurt so much?”

“What if I was brought to this earth to suffer?”

Her mind started rolling and rolling. After so much time in love with the one she thought to be the miracle she was hoping for, why is she still seating in this door that connects darkness and light, not knowing which side will claim her? But the darker side is so strong, feeding on her sorrow and pain.

For once, she wants to be honestly loved. For once, she wants to be important to someone. For once, she wants to be cherish by someone. For once, she wants to be the only woman in a man’s life. For once, she wants to be someone’s priority. For once, she wants a true, strong, happy relationship. For once, she wants a kind of “family” life. She thought that was it in the beginning, but she was deceived again. Her feelings and emotions played with.

“Why can’t I have this?” 

“I don’t deserve a normal life and relationship…” 

“I am not worth his love…”

But she can’t stop loving him. She can’t stop needing him. And god only knows how much she never needed anyone before! But she can’t stop. So her heart bleeds, draining all the blood from her soul.

“What are you doing to me?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Do you realize how much I hurt?”

“Do you realize how much I love you?”

She is still laying there, on her bed. The cat purring on her lap. A purr that used to calm her. But it too strong now, her entire body aches, her soul is screaming in pain and her heart is slowly dying. A tear rolls slowly on her right cheek. She is tired to “feel”.

The moon and stars took their place in the skies, she can see them through her room window. There’s no wind passing through the branches. All is dead outside. As she close her eyes to sleep, she calls out to whoever can hear her stop the pain, and then falls asleep, exhausted.

In the morning, as the sun claims his place to the moon, a dead silence comes from her room. The cat as not moved from her lap, she didn’t move either. The cat woke up, she looked at her, and walked towards her sleeping face. A face with dried tears, and cold. Someone answered her call, she was free, at last. So the cat gave a nose kiss on her cheek, and curled up in her neck.

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