It only gets worst.

With the “prevention day” about mental health coming tomorrow, on the 25th, mostly promoted by Bell, I just had to write this blog post. Well, in fact, I was about to shut it as I said enough in the past, but when I realized (again) how people are while scrolling some news on Facebook this morning, I went through all the emotions known to man kind. All of them without exception. Huh….Well… Obviously, I did not feel any happiness.

So this date is knocking at our door and people are, for good measure, saying and showing loud and clear that they are approving of this campaign. Sadly, they are all pretty much still doing it for their own “image” towards society. Yet, since my past posts on the subject I have found one or two that did have some humanity to at least ask me “what’s wrong” when they saw signs of despair on my part. I will here thank them with all my heart. You guys know who you are. And I would like to say sorry that I am now incapable of telling what happened and what is affecting me everyday. I have just shut down. Nothing personal. MOUAH!

Now, what ticked me off on this beautiful snowing/raining morning? Well, while I was scrolling on Facebook for news and what ever people are doing or chowing on, I saw this situation again, and today, it was just too much. You have this random girl, typical, photo showing more cleavage than face, that says “Ugh, having a rough day” and you see over 98 comments of people (including my “friends”) asking what’s wrong. What’s wrong with this you’ll say? Well in the past when I asked for help as I wanted to end it (multiple times), I got the silent treatment by the same people and others. So boob lady lost had a flat tire and having a rough day, having the world at her feet to cheer her up, but me, having a blade and wanting to end it gets NADA? What is wrong with this picture I ask you? Hard not to take it personal at this point. Hard not to start thinking, go back in time and think about all the times you were bullied and don’t even know why people hated you. Hard not to think that people actually want you dead. I am still afflicted with severe depression and I am still stuck in a very dark place. As a last call for help, I have recently reached out to an “old” friend that did me good in the past, but that was one of those that abandoned me when he said he would always be there, stating that I was “too broken”. Needless to say, that broke me in millions of little pieces at the time. Well, he is still part of the ghost clan right now. Hopes crushed, again. I should have not crawled back to him. Actually, I think he got worst for what a saw, he wasn’t superficial when I first met him, now it’s scary. Anyway, that is how people are. Selfish. So all this today made me crying mad.

I can’t help but wondering “what is it”? It does feel like I am the only one with this affliction that doesn’t get any support whatsoever. And then you think. Your life was a complete disaster since childhood. On all levels, professionally, personally, and so on. I remember my mom saying that I was not supposed to “happen”, she was not supposed to be able to get pregnant, and when it happened, took over 3 months for doctors to “see me”. So I was not supposed to be here. Is that the “supernatural” explanation? I wasn’t supposed to be here so destiny had nothing prepared for me so I get all the crap thrown at me? Thank god at least I wasn’t an abused child! Yet I was assaulted by 2 exes…

One person actually told me last week that I talked too much, I am too well spoken. So basically, as a woman, I will push away people because I am not a dumb blonde that shuts up and just act stupid and show my boobs around making duck faces? Because I write a lot and not only those 3-words-texts? I am confused. Anyway, I am stepping out the subject but it is still part of my “what is wrong with me?” question.

So, I have stopped “asking for help”. When I have a major crisis, which still happens, I don’t even go to the hospital for help as the last doctor was awfully rude, yeah… Even doctors….(Yet, many thanks to the EMS guy in Brockville and the doctors). So instead, I try to make it all disappear on my own and have my cats remembering me that I cannot end it all, I have to be there for them. So I continue for them. It’s only for them that I endure the pain.

People keep saying that you make your own happiness. That you choose to be happy or not. Well everyone who believes in this have never been bashed all the time even when you do your own lil thing, or abandoned by everyone including your own family. I could do things that makes me happy, like when I was horseback riding, it made me happy for a lil over 60 minutes, kept me calm… But what do you do when no employers want you and have no money? Because yeah, spoiler alert! Money does bring some kind of happiness. When I say that I am cursed in everything, I do not lie.

Now, I know that some will say that it is because I always think negative that good things never comes. It might be now a result of my BPD that I do not have under control anymore, but how do you think positive and keep any kind of hope when it’s crushed CONSTANTLY? How? Please, tell me. Everything I get excited about, new projects, dreams…. That I think will work and bring me back on tracks… Bang! Crushed. Done. I am not allowed.

So, I will see again all these people talking about mental health awareness but not doing what they preach. I will be standing here, still in the worst darkness that can be, alone, hoping that at least other people in the same darkness have the incredible blessing of having someone there to hold them and tell them it’s gonna be okay. I do not wish what I have and going through to anyone. Well, actually I do. I do wish that some people I knew drowns in what I have, not because I want them any harm, but so they can understand my pain, my sorrows… and so they can at least at the minimum think in their heads that they are sorry now for what they did….

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Imaging the monster called “Depression”.

It’s a cruel world.

As my depression is still very present a year after the man I loved more than life itself decided to “leave me” when I needed him the most… As I was at the hospital as I attempted to my life again due to HIS actions that affected me like I never thought it would, I came to realize even more how cruel this world can be.

Since 1st grade, i’ve been bullied (nothing physical though), and yes, no need for internet for that, for me it started in 1983-84! For some reason, I never was liked in school. Only a handful actually understood and liked me… actually one or two kids. Yet, I never was a bad girl, but guess some doesn’t like people that stands for themselves. But I was okay, I was a kid that nothing got to me, not even punishment. Until Spring 2014…

I was starting to get depression but had some support. But support that ended to be an illusion al through it… So since that faithful evening in December 2015, I tried to get back up on my own. On my own because despite all the people on your Facebook account that posts about suicide prevention and depression, when they are confronted to it, they suddenly disappear. POUF! Just like that. And you end up worst than you already were. Your thoughts gets darker as you wonder if you are just someone that people hate and that they are waiting for you to open your wrist or if it’s just that people don’t take you seriously or just don’t want to have the responsibility to be your aid…. maybe it’s all of the above.

So I tried after all this to get back “on the market”. The only thing I always needed in this life was that one special someone, and always lived well with it. I needed a big shift in my head and in my life. Something to believe in and to forget that I wasn’t worth someone’s faithful love, that someone tried to “kill me”. Well, that didn’t go well at all. As I never really dated, I didn’t really know what to expect. I did let them know that I was ill but yet not crazy. That I was looking for serious, not just hook ups. You know.. being straight forward with my needs and expectations. Well, I never thought that this past year would get me even more disgust about men. Every single one of them actually told me what I wanted to hear, making me believe they were tired of fake relationships, and they were willing to wait a few dates to get their piece of ass! Then, goodbye, so long! I had dates and such with maybe 5 guys… and they have succeeded in proving that this world is a cruel one. Doesn’t matter if you are in a dark place and still very hurting from your last love, doesn’t matter if you tried to killed yourself multiple time and that you are fragile… they will add another nail to your gasket, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the last one. They will take that last piece of worth/self-esteem you have even if it’s already gone. Doesn’t matter as long as they get to their goal, add another ass to their list. And I won’t add the ones that says they want to see you so bad but when the day arrives, no word, they disappear. It’s actually what happened as I write these lines.

So after all this hurt, after all these very nasty, heartless encounters, what exactly should I think or be feeling? (Note here that even professionally, it’s been a disaster, and I don’t know how or why.) How can I even think positively? How can I even get rid of these dark thoughts? How can I believe in the human kind’s kindness? How can I want to go forward?

When I sit and think, I can only see hate toward me, dislike, hurt, pain. I did have a 8 years of wellness in my 37 years on this planet. With Dan. But I really analyze my life and I really wonder what’s wrong. What do they have against me? What did I do wrong? Why to I deserve everything I went through? How was I able to keep it together until 2014?

I will never hide it, not for attention, but because it’s a fact: I still want to die to end this pain and those awful feelings. I just wish my previous attempts have not been stopped, I just wish that my cats would peacefully cross the rainbow bridge so I can too without fearing for them. But I am held here, for them.

If you have this incredible blessed gift of having someone genuinly loving you… don’t take it for granted. Cherish it.

 

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NOTA: M.A.S. I still foolishly love you. Dearly.

My pain. My love.

To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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I am not crazy IV: Drowning in depression and the Quebec health system.

Last night, I ended in the hospital again. I have never felt the need of cutting my wrist this awfully strong. The only person I cared about and was able to hold my head over the water, make me smile, doesn’t care about me anymore, or has he ever…I am destroyed since this same morning. I scream my pain, my needs but no one wants to hear me.

I didn’t want to take my car, I asked my ex to take me to the hospital, I was crying, in pain, he said: “I’m in bed now”. So I took my car.

Depression has become my best and only friend. The kind that loves you so much, he wants to kill you. Breathing is chore, living is impossible. I have seen what they called “professionals” in the past. My last psychiatrist (Qc) refused to analyze me for BPD and go further in my life since my depression is an accumulation of events. He stalled at the very moment, the now only. (A complaint was sent to the College des Médecins)

So I got admitted in this hospital in Quebec last night. Instead of having someone, like both times in Ontario, giving me something to calm me, ease the “pain” until I see the doctor, well like each time in Quebec, like last night, they have put me in a room with no medication and no one, no nurse to come and see me once in awhile to make sure I was ok. I sat there, crying my life, alone for 3h. In such a crisis, I got sick. My emotions had the time to calm down and to shift to anger, hate. When a doctor finally entered the room and casually asked: “What’s up?” with this superior tone and attitude. I told her how sadistic it was to leave me alone, in excruciating pain in a room, with not even a little something to help. She gave me that little smirk and said: “I just got here”. I told her to leave me alone and came back home.

Now, I am totally alone, more than ever. I do have this friend, but the only person that was able to “heal” me, abandoned me and lied to me. He brought me in a darkness so dark, I never thought it existed. It’s thick, suffocating. It wasn’t enough that mental illness pushes away people, that you end up alone, I had to lose it all. I lost my last lifesaver, he doesn’t want me.

I get sick hearing people saying “Oh! it will get better” – “you’re strong, you’ll be fine” – “Everything happens for a reason” – “There’s something for you, be patient”, and so on. Stop pushing those bullshit quotes down the throat of someone in depression, it doesn’t help, it makes it worst. It makes us want to puke, to hit something. Mostly if you’ve be unhappy for so many years, a lifetime. I tasted happiness once, I stupidly walked away.

This past weekend, more than ever, he destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t even get a job and will most probably be homeless in February. I am lost, alone, unloved, a failure, unworthy, and hope has totally disappeared in front of my eyes.

If you have a love one that is hanging on to you to breath, to keep his head out of the water, don’t betray that person, don’t abandon them, don’t leave them. You might be their last thread, and if it breaks, death might be the last person that will welcome that person arms wide open, promising no more pain. Ever.

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Simple dreams but…

During childhood or our teenage years, even adulthood, we all have our dreams, wishes, goals. We want to become this or that. Me, I wanted either to be a police officer or enter the military. Sadly, I never thought about myself, so it pretty much went down the drain for me.

Let’s dream a bit… I always was simple, yet precised. Some wants that big modern house, 23 rooms, 10 bathrooms. Not me, I actually hate modern. I like those centennial old houses, wooden cottage style houses. One that would be away from city stress, in the middle of the Canadian nature, where you can’t hear the highway nearby but can almost hear the history that she saw since she was built. A house you can feel the warmth.

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 Of course, a dog or two. I like a lot of breeds though, such as the Bernese Mountain dog, the Doberman, the Pitbull, the Rottweiler, the German Shepherd…So maybe a mixed breed in a shelter, waiting for his forever home? And why not a little stable? But with not more than two horses to enjoy rides and their incredible zootherapy power: A Canadian Horse and a Clydesdale.

My dream car? I am car girl, I like “muscles” and “tuners” but if I had the choice of a luxury car to add to my collection, definitely a Maserati Quattroporte GTS. But know what? I am happy with my Civic coupe but seriously, the sound on that luxury car? Oh dear! I am drooling!

But these are all materials (Not so much the animals, but you get the point.). If I had the choice, all this,  I don’t want. I want something that 9/10 people on this planet has but I never had: Someone that truly, honestly loves me. I want to stop being on my guards, abandoned myself. I never want to be played anymore. I want to taste happiness because I never did. I want someone that a few times per day will tell me: “I love you” and mean it. I want to feel protected in someone’s arms, be loved. I don’t care if I have to live on the streets, that is not the important thing and I have learned it with time. For some reason, life decided I wasn’t worth this, and I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but at some point, at the age I am, it became a need like water and sun but my hopes are gone, like my trust. So if you have this, please, don’t play with it, be thankful, be very thankful or you might “kill”someone a little more. In my case, I have more chance to have my nearly 200 000$ Maserati….

The last hit. 

For almost two years, I was hopeful to find happiness and know how it feels after 36 years. I was deeply in love, words can’t describe how in love I was. As I felt some irregularities, instead of having my depression and anxiety always at a low level, it would act like a roller coaster, I couldn’t get anything out of his mouth, and I was terrified: I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want him to be another cheating/liar/player, I was craving love and security. So I cried a lot, terrified.

In the past month, I discovered that the man of my life was cheating on me. Taking me so much for an idiot, he had the guts to spread it on social media. Now I know why I needed to be hidden.  Why wanting me then?

It’s been a week since I last talked to him, he ended by saying it was my fault and I ruined is life. Plus lies. My fault? All I wanted is to be honestly loved! I am not the one who slept around.

This was the biggest hit I ever took, the kinds that kills you.

So I am here, lying in my bed, unable to live normally, motivation at zero, self-worth/self-esteem gone, trust in people gone, wishing each night to not wake up in the morning because the pain is too vivid and raw, eating my insides. I never thought in my entire life that someone, a man, would have so much effect, impact on me.

As my emotions and feelings are a mess, my mind and soul in a very dark place and my “joie de vivre” is gone… I will stop blogging. I am drowning too much in sorrow, and using the lil energy I have left for my to fight for Pitbulls…

Thanks to those who read me…. Maybe someday I’ll be back, but I doubt I’ll find the path to happiness as it was always taken away from me for some reason.

Be well,

Melanie A.k.A La Louve

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Untitled: If you can’t, then let me leave this world.

I wasn’t ready for this tonight, even though I knew it and I felt it for so long that it was ridiculous.

I fell in love with you spring 2014, like I never did with anyone.  I have desperately hang on to you, my last hope, my last light in this life. It seemed promising. But as time passed, some things were missing that got me deeper in the darkness I was already walking in. Too much questions unanswered, too much words unsaid, and it never got better, so that dark tunnel sucked me in deeper, and my heart was more than ever craving love and light. A craving that hurted so much, folding my body in two, burning tears falling down my face, losing trust and hope.

I wanted so much with you. I was praying you were finally the one, that finally I would be happy, be someone’s baby girl, be important to someone.

For the past months, it seems even more obvious that I was not important. At least, you made me feel like it. A puppet that you play with and put back in the closet when you have someone else to play with or if she/they snap their fingers.

I was sick. Depression got a hold of me and I thought I could get better. I wanted to get better so I would not lose you… But you got tired of it. And you left me there for months. “Got me out” once in all these months to help you but you put me back as fast in my closet for…?? (Please no…). But I am losing you anyways. So what is the point of me getting better, what is the point to continue walking forward if life thinks I don’t deserve to be happy but to continuously hurt? What is the point to sit on this planet if my last hope doesn’t even want me?  What is the point of seeing the sunlight each morning if I can’t have that one and only thing in life?

At night and even during the day, I wonder if you ever loved me for real, if you (still) do now. I wonder why you are doing this to me. Why are you playing with my heart and let it bleed because it doesn’t know if you want to be my soldier that will love and protect me against this evil world? Even with everything I told you, do you even realize how much I love you? Do you think I am taking this lightly and that I am not serious with all those words that told you?

If you have to put a knife in my heart, at least make sure I don’t survive so I can be freed of this pain….

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This awful lonely feeling.

For the past couple days, even more, I have this awful lonely feeling. I have always been more of a lone wolf, but I feel restless. I never had depression before, is it a stage in my road back to normal? My motivation as even lowered. A little bit of tears came back.

This awful lonely feeling.

Or is it that change in me, the fact that I now need someone and that I have no one to call my own anymore for so long?

 La Louve is restless, straying around the territory. Panic and sadness can be seen in her eyes. Her Beloved Alpha Wolf is not there to comfort her. Did he abandoned her? She feels unworthy and not important to him anymore. She howls, but only silence answers. 

I try to keep busy, but I sadly can’t afford (for now) more horse lessons, or any other activities whatsoever, still waiting for some news from an employer.

My head, heart and soul are still hurting. Everything seems to go so well now… except for one thing…. One so important thing..

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My zootherapy: A passion finally fulfilled.

This week I had my first day at fulfilling a passion I couldn’t enjoy since my parents thought it was too expensive. So instead, I did figure ice skating for 8 years. At the end, the cost was the same!

I had my first horse riding lesson. I have ride before of course! But my last ride was 10 years ago, and it kinda disappeared with my obligations and bad relationships. A friend of mine revived my passion by trying a job as  groom… sadly the conditions didn’t fit with my condition.

As my treatment for my depression is going well.. my motivation came back. So much life plans. I need to do some without thinking about…..

So I decided to get lessons, get my levels (Cavaliers) and eventually be myself an instructor or guide. Part or full time. And even if I don’t work, continue with the passion. If I am ever able to have my own horse, I would just dream about the Canadian Horse. What a marvelous horse! Perfect temperament for me.

So my first lesson this last Wednesday. My horse was named Sunny. A lil brushing, saddle and bridle on… and off we go! After so long, sitting on this powerful, intelligent beast was overwhelming. My instructor could see my stiff shoulders. It was pretty much learning all over again. Losing bad habits, getting new ones. Trust the horse again and myself. At the end, she could tell I was more relaxed. The time I have passed there, with Sunny was a stress free moment. I forgot my life for the moment it lasted. A dog is a very good zootherapy animal, but horses are special. The look in their eyes, their calmness… I am jobless right now but hope to be able to keep getting my lessons. It’s my therapy. Wish I could even do it more often.

I just can’t wait for my next lesson….

If you are on Facebook and like Horses but mostly the CH, I have a new page:

The Canadian Horse

Cursed.

She was sitting there for an hour or so. Staring outside the window, not even noticing the birds fighting in the maple tree facing the house. Not a sound in the house but a cat purring of contentment by finding a nice spot to nap on the blanket left on the couch. Her eyes seems lifeless, their blue color turned grey.

A couple hours before, her head was like a hurricane: the thoughts, the pressure, love, anger, despair… they were all fighting in her mind. Breathing was difficult, focusing was impossible.

But now, numbness. Empty mind. Drained by her own emotions, her life.

Suddenly, something woke her from her state. Not a sound, or a thought. Something… she doesn’t know what it is. Something deeply buried in her mind perhaps. So she walks to her room, the cat on her heels, meowing what seems like a conversation. She laid on her bed, the cat getting comfortable on her lap. Her life is passing through her broken mind again.

“Why so much pain and rejection? What did I do?”

But she is able to bury this past, even though it is terrifying it would repeat itself again. Yet, at this very moment, her entire body and soul, her wounded heart, are madly in love.

She promised herself after too much bad experiences that never she would allowed another man into her heart and life. That no one will ever destroy her again. But there he was, pure coincidence, pure luck, she wasn’t supposed to cross his path. And then, that was it. She got caught by him. His smile, his voice, his touch, his presence… Her heart started to beat again. Her lips started to smile again. Her hope was awaken.

“But why would the feeling called love hurt so much?”

“What if I was brought to this earth to suffer?”

Her mind started rolling and rolling. After so much time in love with the one she thought to be the miracle she was hoping for, why is she still seating in this door that connects darkness and light, not knowing which side will claim her? But the darker side is so strong, feeding on her sorrow and pain.

For once, she wants to be honestly loved. For once, she wants to be important to someone. For once, she wants to be cherish by someone. For once, she wants to be the only woman in a man’s life. For once, she wants to be someone’s priority. For once, she wants a true, strong, happy relationship. For once, she wants a kind of “family” life. She thought that was it in the beginning, but she was deceived again. Her feelings and emotions played with.

“Why can’t I have this?” 

“I don’t deserve a normal life and relationship…” 

“I am not worth his love…”

But she can’t stop loving him. She can’t stop needing him. And god only knows how much she never needed anyone before! But she can’t stop. So her heart bleeds, draining all the blood from her soul.

“What are you doing to me?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Do you realize how much I hurt?”

“Do you realize how much I love you?”

She is still laying there, on her bed. The cat purring on her lap. A purr that used to calm her. But it too strong now, her entire body aches, her soul is screaming in pain and her heart is slowly dying. A tear rolls slowly on her right cheek. She is tired to “feel”.

The moon and stars took their place in the skies, she can see them through her room window. There’s no wind passing through the branches. All is dead outside. As she close her eyes to sleep, she calls out to whoever can hear her stop the pain, and then falls asleep, exhausted.

In the morning, as the sun claims his place to the moon, a dead silence comes from her room. The cat as not moved from her lap, she didn’t move either. The cat woke up, she looked at her, and walked towards her sleeping face. A face with dried tears, and cold. Someone answered her call, she was free, at last. So the cat gave a nose kiss on her cheek, and curled up in her neck.

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