It only gets worst.

With the “prevention day” about mental health coming tomorrow, on the 25th, mostly promoted by Bell, I just had to write this blog post. Well, in fact, I was about to shut it as I said enough in the past, but when I realized (again) how people are while scrolling some news on Facebook this morning, I went through all the emotions known to man kind. All of them without exception. Huh….Well… Obviously, I did not feel any happiness.

So this date is knocking at our door and people are, for good measure, saying and showing loud and clear that they are approving of this campaign. Sadly, they are all pretty much still doing it for their own “image” towards society. Yet, since my past posts on the subject I have found one or two that did have some humanity to at least ask me “what’s wrong” when they saw signs of despair on my part. I will here thank them with all my heart. You guys know who you are. And I would like to say sorry that I am now incapable of telling what happened and what is affecting me everyday. I have just shut down. Nothing personal. MOUAH!

Now, what ticked me off on this beautiful snowing/raining morning? Well, while I was scrolling on Facebook for news and what ever people are doing or chowing on, I saw this situation again, and today, it was just too much. You have this random girl, typical, photo showing more cleavage than face, that says “Ugh, having a rough day” and you see over 98 comments of people (including my “friends”) asking what’s wrong. What’s wrong with this you’ll say? Well in the past when I asked for help as I wanted to end it (multiple times), I got the silent treatment by the same people and others. So boob lady lost had a flat tire and having a rough day, having the world at her feet to cheer her up, but me, having a blade and wanting to end it gets NADA? What is wrong with this picture I ask you? Hard not to take it personal at this point. Hard not to start thinking, go back in time and think about all the times you were bullied and don’t even know why people hated you. Hard not to think that people actually want you dead. I am still afflicted with severe depression and I am still stuck in a very dark place. As a last call for help, I have recently reached out to an “old” friend that did me good in the past, but that was one of those that abandoned me when he said he would always be there, stating that I was “too broken”. Needless to say, that broke me in millions of little pieces at the time. Well, he is still part of the ghost clan right now. Hopes crushed, again. I should have not crawled back to him. Actually, I think he got worst for what a saw, he wasn’t superficial when I first met him, now it’s scary. Anyway, that is how people are. Selfish. So all this today made me crying mad.

I can’t help but wondering “what is it”? It does feel like I am the only one with this affliction that doesn’t get any support whatsoever. And then you think. Your life was a complete disaster since childhood. On all levels, professionally, personally, and so on. I remember my mom saying that I was not supposed to “happen”, she was not supposed to be able to get pregnant, and when it happened, took over 3 months for doctors to “see me”. So I was not supposed to be here. Is that the “supernatural” explanation? I wasn’t supposed to be here so destiny had nothing prepared for me so I get all the crap thrown at me? Thank god at least I wasn’t an abused child! Yet I was assaulted by 2 exes…

One person actually told me last week that I talked too much, I am too well spoken. So basically, as a woman, I will push away people because I am not a dumb blonde that shuts up and just act stupid and show my boobs around making duck faces? Because I write a lot and not only those 3-words-texts? I am confused. Anyway, I am stepping out the subject but it is still part of my “what is wrong with me?” question.

So, I have stopped “asking for help”. When I have a major crisis, which still happens, I don’t even go to the hospital for help as the last doctor was awfully rude, yeah… Even doctors….(Yet, many thanks to the EMS guy in Brockville and the doctors). So instead, I try to make it all disappear on my own and have my cats remembering me that I cannot end it all, I have to be there for them. So I continue for them. It’s only for them that I endure the pain.

People keep saying that you make your own happiness. That you choose to be happy or not. Well everyone who believes in this have never been bashed all the time even when you do your own lil thing, or abandoned by everyone including your own family. I could do things that makes me happy, like when I was horseback riding, it made me happy for a lil over 60 minutes, kept me calm… But what do you do when no employers want you and have no money? Because yeah, spoiler alert! Money does bring some kind of happiness. When I say that I am cursed in everything, I do not lie.

Now, I know that some will say that it is because I always think negative that good things never comes. It might be now a result of my BPD that I do not have under control anymore, but how do you think positive and keep any kind of hope when it’s crushed CONSTANTLY? How? Please, tell me. Everything I get excited about, new projects, dreams…. That I think will work and bring me back on tracks… Bang! Crushed. Done. I am not allowed.

So, I will see again all these people talking about mental health awareness but not doing what they preach. I will be standing here, still in the worst darkness that can be, alone, hoping that at least other people in the same darkness have the incredible blessing of having someone there to hold them and tell them it’s gonna be okay. I do not wish what I have and going through to anyone. Well, actually I do. I do wish that some people I knew drowns in what I have, not because I want them any harm, but so they can understand my pain, my sorrows… and so they can at least at the minimum think in their heads that they are sorry now for what they did….


Imaging the monster called “Depression”.


A Blackfish grew his wings.

January 6th of this new year, cetacean star Tilikum passed away. Tilikum, an Icelandic orca was “working” for SeaWorld and was featured in the documentary “Blackfish” (Available on Netflix).

As the movement to free all cetaceans and mammals from marine theme parks was already in activists’ and marine biologists’ agenda, it took a bigger turn with the death of trainer Dawn Brancheau, other incidents and Tilikum’s isolation. I would like to add a point here and tell you all to watch carefully the video of that sad incident, which is shown in “Blackfish”… Analyze, watch carefully the signals, Tilikum’s response and action, then Dawn’s reaction…  Orcas are not blood thirsty animals like some wants to show us. Tilikum got frustrated. Sad misunderstanding.

So, the movement was at his peak to free Tilikum and other captive orcas. Even though SeaWorld and pro-SeaWorld people said it was impossible and “cruel”, activists and scientists/biologists kept reminding them of Keiko and his successful release in the wild.

(But when we know that SeaWorld says it to be a normal for all of their Orcas to die around 20-30 something years old since it is their lifespan, we can assume they have no knowledge on Orcas whatsoever and therefore how wild animal releases are done. Wonder what they think of J2-Granny…)

Tilikum needed more than others to be released as fast as possible as he was now in isolation, not “working”, no interactions. So the logic move was to release him. But it was a total refusal from SeaWorld. SeaWorld was also very silent when the public asked for news about Tilikum’s health and mental state… until a couple days ago…

SeaWorld is now announcing their will be no more shows, which is a step in the right direction but seems to refuse to let go of any orcas.

Now the next whale to be in isolation, is Canada’s Marineland’s Kiska. The new Ontarian by-law that bans orca breeding/selling/buying is very good, but now Kiska is alone in a pool. Marineland is also shy on giving actual elaborate news on her physical and mental state, just saying she is fine and monitored. Kiska needs orca interaction, depression is the next logical ending to all this and can end up in a weaker immune system, to death… like Tilikum. I will not post on here the images or videos of depressed orcas self-injuring themselves, but feel free to make good research. And maybe read this: Death at SeaWorld.

Now Tilikum got his wings and can roam free, let’s just hope not in vain….


Orca bull Tilikum




Kiska in her “pool”.


The new P42 by-law (QC), responsible dog ownership and what all this means.

I am a former animal control officer. After doing care and counseling, I did 6 years in the law field. Until my non-profit shelter decided to let go 15 of us, very important and qualified personnel for, apparently, money reasons. But that’s another rant.

The province of Quebec has now adopted stronger laws when it comes to animal abuse. This law only applicable by MAPAQ accredited inspectors. I was. I have to say that this is good news. At some extent. Basically the law is the same, but the fines are higher and they can face jail time. The P42 is way better than it was a few years ago, but sadly, all this won’t make a big difference at this moment.

When I went to my training to be an inspector (training as explaining the new law and the paperwork), my team was the only team of actual well organized animal control officers, with experience on the field, laws, justice and intervention in all situations. Other SPCAs/SPAs have sent groomers, receptionists, a director. They absolutely have no clue what they are going to encounter on the field and what are citizens that you approach to apply a law.

When we got back at the shelter and got our files, I was sure it would be a piece of cake dealing with our municipal duties and the P42. We were 6 and at all time you just have to send a team west, a team east and a team on a P42 case (Puppy Mills) and do rotations. I was worried about the others that were with us in the class, but we were going to rock it. Oh! Was I in an illusion. Of course, the province asks for way more bizarre, repetitive paperwork than municipal charges. And of course, I was the one selected to do other’s paperwork. It was okay with me since I prefered applying municipal by-laws as we can apply them without hesitation. The province is more “scared”, for example, they wanted me to advise the owner that I was going to seize his 21 emaciated Huskies, on this date. I gave them the big “fuck you” and we went and seized them with a SQ backup. Advising the defendant is like the police calling a drug dealer to advise him they gonna do an operation tomorrow! The defendant is not stupid, he will disappear with all the proof. Quebec’s pencil pushers doesn’t get that. My operation was still a success.

But the general work we needed to do, the files that needed an update urgent or not, slept on the desk most of the time. My lazy coworkers and supervisor stating that they didn’t have the time, mostly because of the municipal contracts. LOADS OF BULLSHIT. I would have a lot to say about their laziness and lack of work etiquette, efforts and so on, but this is enough to say that probably many dogs are now dead or extremely in distress because of them. And then I think about that groomer and director that most, for real, not have much time to get through files. For me, the MAPAQ’s project was a disaster despite the good intentions. So for years, this was going forward as slow as a snail. And defendant that received accusations won’t pass in court until maybe 2 years and meanwhile, they can continue their activities. Everything and everyone is lacking in something. The last that I’ve known, my team is not better if not worst and the MAPAQ got for themselves inspectors that will be only doing this. The second one is good news.

Having a by-law like the P42 is not enough though. I’ve always that, for once, we should take example on some of our American neighbors to give some good hits to puppy mills and closet breeders. To start, a law should be adopted so that ALL petshop can only get their cats and dogs from shelters and rescues. Also, unless you are a Reg’ or PermReg’ in either The AKC or CKC and inspected, ALL dogs should be spayed/neutered. Same with cats. This would not only prevent backyard breeding, but accident breeding, behavior problems, health, etc.

But now, these measures doesn’t stop bad ownership. (Oh! And now pets are now considered as living being toward the law and not an object anymore! YAY!) Bad breeding is a part of bad irresponsible ownership, of course. But most people that gets a dog, have no clue how to educate one. First timers should be obligated with an ownership class and a puppy class. Not all dogs are for everyone and everyone is not for all dogs. Whether they are mixed or purebred, all breeds have their own character, level of energy, grooming needs, etc. But sadly, 98% of the population will get a dog for their looks or because they feel badass with this breed. These poor choices ends up with aggression, abandonment, and even cruelty due to lack of patience. The first mistake when a human brings home a dog, is to think that the dog is “human” and therefore, they will treat him like a baby human. Canines have their own way, their own hierarchy, their own view on life. To have the summum relationship with your dog, you have to think like a dog, you have to realize they need exercise and structure. Losing patience and use violence will only aggravate things. Massive seances of information should rain down the population to prevent all that we see and hear about biting, bad care, and mistreatment.

Dog trainers, the majority of them, never had any experiences in canine behavior. Worst, when I tried to find a “school” to become a dog handler, to perfect my experience, and I was baffled to learn that there is NO program, school or whatever (QC). This means that just anyone can claim to be a dog handler and make money on your back. So how can I prove my worth? I have been helping former neighbors with their dogs issues, and now, it goes smoothly, they told me how happy they were and thank me. So should I start my own  dog information, behaviour help “company”? It would be a sideline most probably but… I don’t want to be labeled as a fraud, despite my officer, care and so on, experience. Who could counsel me on this project?… Oh! dear.

Meanwhile, inform yourselves if the breed(s) fits you, get counseling on raising a dog, spay-neuter the dog, give them GOOD food, exercise, grooming, and enjoy the cuddles!



Service Animals.

We all know about service dogs: For the blinds, deaf, disable/handicaps, epileptics, autistics, etc.  The ones that are less known are the cats and dogs that give emotional support; Animals helping those afflicted with PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety disorder, and so on. Cats, dogs, animals are known to calm, to lower blood pressure, bring some happiness in one’s life. We can only think of zootherapy and how sick kids and the elderly suddenly smiles and interacts when that furry therapist enters the room!

There’s also a programs for veterans using horses and have shown great success. Emotional support dogs can prevent crisis, bring comfort and courage to those afflicted with a mental illness… But here’s the problem… THEY ARE NOT RECOGNIZED. Meaning, a person like me, that have severe depression and anxiety disorder, could use one… BUT would not be allowed to bring my dog everywhere I go since they are not recognized as an actual service dog, even though I had crisis at work, and public places such as malls and restaurants. And I think it’s not only in Canada. But they do exist and they do help! But as they are not recognized, not only they are not allowed in public places, but you could get in trouble with landlords that hate animals.

I think that organizations like MIRA and the Canadian Service Dog Foundation, should push to make them service animals like the one’s for the blinds. And know what? They should also do like Courageous Companions, and use shelter dogs….




Liberate the Majestic.

Found in almost every seas, the Orca, also known as Killer Whale, is one of Canada’s western pride. This whale is well recognized by his black and white markings and his dolphin like appearance, he can weight up to 6 tons and be 32ft long.

But this Majestic mammal is another animal that human being wants to control and use to feed their hunger for money. For years, the Orca has been chased to be brought in aquariums and theme parks such as SeaWorld and MarineLand, then these facilities decided to breed them. But the family bond in Orca pods is very strong, the calf stays with his mother and the pod. But these facilities separates the mother and the calf, putting the mother in a depression mode and the calf in a stressful situation.

We all have seen in the news the incidents, a whale “killing” his trainer. The “only” one really reported being the one of Dawn Brancheau, when Tilikum had enough. (By the way, on the website attached to “Tilikum”, there’s a petition to free him, please sign!)

Want a reality check? Watch the documentary BLACKFISH::::

These gentle giants, despite the name “Killer Whale”, have been given this aggressive, bloodthirsty image because human beings saw money all over the place if they captured them and displayed them like a goldfish in a bowl. What they don’t know, rather, what they are denying, is that the Orca is an intelligent, sensitive, emotional and social animal. One that is thirsty for the open water to migrate, feed, bond, play. But in some cases, they are kept in small pools until they have to “perform”, the equivalent of leaving your 8 years old in a bathtub 3/4 of his time.

The issue is not that Orcas in captivity can not survived, the release of famous Keiko at the end of the 90’s, mostly known for his Hollywood stardom name Willy, is the proof. Sadly, he died of pneumonia in 2003, but he died free and happy.

I invite you to see his journey back home:::::

As sensitive animals, the Orca is prone to depression and frustration which can lead to aggression, as gentle they can be… We need to stop encouraging the industry, starting by not going to these parks. Spread the word. Sign petitions and get involved. Many of these Majestic Whales around the world are captive and need our help to return home.


You have no rights on others.

I’ve just finished reading this article, the first to make me wanna write since a little while, being afflicted by continuous awful things that keeps my soul in darkness. Anyway…

It didn’t only made me want to write, but to rage. Kim Davis, this narrow-minded woman who refused to deliver a marriage permit to gay couples in the US strikes again. I wonder if i’m gonna be able to be constructive in this post.

First, let me say that I have denied the catholic/christian religion a long time ago because of those ludicrous beliefs, for the control this institution had on their followers lives, threatening them if they didn’t obey the “holy laws”, controlling even the justice and “juge de paix” in the beginning of the 18th century. Even today, people following this religion are so much brainwashed to believe that homosexuality is a sin, that they want to control other people’s life too. All this forgetting the part “love your neighbor…”, “love one another”. But whatever your religion is, YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE’S LIFE AND IMPOSE YOUR BELIEFS!!

It’s not “natural” they say, God never made us this way they say… Well for your information, the rest of the animal kingdom have their own homosexual bonds, the most commonly known being the dolphin, a very intelligent and emotional animal. What you guys call “the creatures of god” and that your “book” said to have been saved by Moses, have their own love story and never will their pairs judge them. We are the only “mammal” on planet earth to want to control each other, that lacks basic respect towards each other, that will “destroy” each other whether it’s mentally or physically. I hate people. I have myself, like many others, experience other’s selfishness, the last experienced being the most destructive to my soul. I lost all trust in people. But ok, that’s another story.

Anyway, sometimes religion does that, not only “human nature”. That’s why I decided to believe in the magic of our planet, the nature that surrounds us, Pagan beliefs. Such a liberal “religion” that the bible and his followers have declared war against it for centuries, calling it “demonic”.

What can we do now to make “these extremist of the bible”, leave others alone? That we don’t have to submit to their beliefs? Whether it’s on abortion, gay marriage or birth control, THIS IS NOT OF OTHER’S BUSINESS!!!! It’s not to you to judge them, us! Even less your right, Kim Davis!


There’s something fishy.

Eight years ago, a child disappeared in Trois-Rivières, province of Québec. Her name is Cédrika Provencher. She was 9 years old. Now, why the title of this post, why do I think there’s something fishy…? Here it goes…

Cédrika is one out of many that disappeared without a trace and are still to be found. You can see it on the Missing Children Society of Canada, and there’s quite a few in Québec, and I wonder if some are not on the website. But for the past years and today, in the news, everywhere, the only child you hear of is Cédrika; Articles, press releases, air time in the evening news, and we are talking about all the time since she disappeared. And it’s not the end of it, a foundation and… a movie! Why does she have so much attention from the medias for all those years, still today, and there’s all those other children still missing, that seems like everyone as forgotten? They are important too, no?

I don’t like this. Not only it smells bad but it’s not fair for the other parents that are still grieving the loss of their child, it’s not fair for those children that are waiting to be found. They are shadowed by all this publicity and their hope is taken away. I will even have the guts to say that it looks like a money thing…. Yes, I will go there and say it out loud!

Thank god, they started to talk again about the native teens that disappeared, and those who were killed…But it seems it didn’t last. Sadly, natives are the most forgotten.

So please, check out the website, there’s not only “her” somewhere out there…


Equine eye opener.

I was reading one of the two books I bought on horses, comfortably sitting in my Civic with a Timmie’s the other day (Yeah I know how that sounds, don’t ask) and I got that flash. As I am right now fulfilling my passion for horses, I am getting those lessons, levels, educating myself with books along the way. I had to do it to know my horses as well as I know my dogs, a all new field.

I think I have mentioned that a friend of mine as brought back this passion by telling me to try a job as groom/hot walker in a race track she works in that will not name. Even though I am not an expert in horses, I have seen a lot but mostly ranch life horses and jumpers. So, as was reading the second book,  and getting in the behavior chapter, it all got clear to me. While I was at this race track, for only a day (Job conditions didn’t fit what I needed…), I noticed a lot of frustrated horses. Horses that wouldn’t listen to “professional trainers” while they were sitting on their backs to “train them” a.k.a have a couple track runs. They would tell you to step way aside when they passed with a horse… I wondered why until I saw those frustrated horses. Now I know why.

As the book is pointing, horses are sensitive animals. They will react to their environment, and if they lack something they will develop vices or behavior problems. It says that to a horse to be balanced and stress-free, they need to be, of course, socialized and we need to present them certain situations so they can be confident. Also, like dogs, to have excellent results and a better “relationship” with him, the training has to be free of all frustration, angriness, violence. The key is calm and assertiveness. But also a horse, needs to be….. A HORSE.

Horses that I have encounter at the track are horses that are brought there in spring, put in a stall, and brought back by their owners for the winter. They are taken out once per day for maybe 30 minutes to run around a race track with strangers, and then come back in the stables. A little walk to cool off around the stable and back in the stall they go. That’s it. For half the year.

Horses are pack animals (called “bands”), they need to socialized with their kind but they also don’t enjoy much to be confined. They will enjoy the security and comfiness of their stalls but to be in an open area such as fields do make them feel better as they can flee if needed (Horses are preys and domestic horses have kept this feeling). And of course, tell me which living being likes to be confined? To do nothing, see no one (the stalls are made so they don’t see each other well), and not being able to enjoy the summer breeze in the mane and a good green grass? No one. So behavior problems, frustration and vices happens.

Of course I have saw some that are very gentle and are the “happy-go-lucky” kind, like the ones that I have cleaned the stall and walked. But I saw aggressive horses, well, maybe it’s too strong of a word, I would say “very low tolerance and I hate you” horses. Nervous horses, horses that will not listen and seem like they want to flee, horses that are hit (not an “order hit”, a “correction hit” with a crop). Yes, they are well groomed, and one even as his daily oxygen treatment (Owner’s demand). But these horses are not allowed to be horses. They are literally only bred to satisfy one’s need to gamble to then be imprisoned.

Want to know something else? Apparently there’s a “thing” that these owners do to have the perfect racing horse, but I couldn’t find any proper article or claims on it:  Surgical procedures on the legs when they are only small foals. I won’t start on this but you can search on it and read what I have found here.

I needed to denounce this. We are talking a lot about dog racing and the poor conditions the Greyhounds are in, but we should also work on the horse’s conditions in race tracks…. and let’s not forget the caleche horses….


The talented and the useless. 

I came across a meme the other day… And I thought to myself: “So true!”

There’s those stars that I think are really talented, they worked their self up the ladder with some hard work and are today some of the most respected actors. Harrisson Ford, Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Keanu Reeves, Julia Roberts, and so on. 

But then we have the “underclass”. The ones choosed because some network needed clowns for a schedule blank. So let’s take little billionaires’ kids and some no names on the streets and make a few shows!  We ended polluting our TV’s with Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo and Jersey Shore or something like that. 

It made shows with lack of IQ, lack of real life events, lack of class, lack of self respect, and showed us rich kids that don’t give a shit of the little people. The saddest is that they had their little group of viewers that kept them alive for a while! It gives you an image of some part of the population…

Now they are even richer or now rich. They use that money to some selfish deeds and are happy to show the blings! 

No, I am not jealous. But I worked hard and went through a lot and I am still wondering where and how I will live when my house will be sold. So I would take their pay with pleasure! I would get my own little place, cottage style in the woods, couple horses, my dog and some studies for my own culture. Maybe a trip or two. In the middle, give to a local shelter. I would even keep my 2013 Civic coupe…

Anyone wants to hire me? 

Will they ever learn, change, evolve?

And it happened again. Innocent citizens were killed. Again.

Again a hate crime. Again a mass murder. Again a narrow-minded citizen. Again someone that shouldn’t have been allowed near a weapon.

To us, news like this from our southern neighbors and allies, it’s common news. It is VERY sad and shocking news. But common news. I want to say something about it, but I am speechless. It’s a major “facepalm” case. If Americans ever becomes extinct someday, it won’t be by terrorists from another country, it will be by their own hands. The country will explode by itself.

I cannot believe that a country, people, in 2015, still doesn’t believe in peace of life, respect, dealing with issues without violence, still believes in having loaded weapons all over the house and using them “because it’s their right and the guy stepped on my lawn”, is still hardcore racist and homophobic…. and I could go on…..

I know that it’s NOT EVERYONE. I realize this fact. But politicians and citizens refuses to change their thinking and by-laws towards weapons. One major problem. I mean, when a dog shoot his owner, and toddlers are killing their mothers but they all still leave weapons all around at children’s reach… we have a major issue.

And of course this easy access to weapons bring mass murders and hate murders. But hate shouldn’t lead someone to kill. You have the right to “not like”. But to kill? Does the Americans also have a genetic mental disorder? Something that drives them crazy, makes them kill and hate everyone on the planet but themselves? For their color? Because they are not American and white? Because they don’t like what you like and don’t live like you live and this without obligating you accomodate?

It’s been worst and worst through the years and the past few months…. What the hell is happening?

And it’s not only crimes against the black community, it’s also about how can a mentally disturbed teen/young man, that openly shows hate, can be allowed by parents around weapons and ammo to then enter a school and shoot everyone?

I am honestly unable to say anything constructive at this point. Words are hard to get out. I am sincerely sorry for my American neighbors, and yes, I am really beginning to “hate” them…. But I will just stay on my side of North America, and ignore you.