Low cost stress “relief”.

So as you all know already, depression and anxiety are my plague. Hard to get some stuff out of your head when it’s put on repeat. Since I grew poorer and poorer and unable to continue my equine therapy, I needed to get my head onto something. Well… other than gaming!

Coloring.

Go ahead! Laugh all that you want! But in a funny way, it actually works. Keeping your mind occupied, bringing you back to when you were a kid. And no need to be talented, just do it!

I usually draw while watching a show on Netflix. Mind fully occupied!

Go ahead! Try it! We are never too old for anything!

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Be prepared world, it’s official.

The US “Prez party”. I didn’t watched it as I do not approve of my southern neighbours in their choice.

I know I few good Americans here and there and despite an unhealthy love for weapons and very narrow-minded beliefs, I will never put all of them in the same basket. But yet… The majority did spoke and this majority is dangerous, and did show some  unnecessary violence throughout the campaign and after. The US has stepped 100 years backwards instead of continuing going forward and it will have major repercussions in their already fragile relationship with the rest of the world.

“There’s a reason why we, Canadians, always wear our Canadian flag when abroad, and it’s not only for pride for our country, but to not be mistaken as an American… and more than ever now, we should proudly wear it.”

Trump brings back the image of a country that thinks that world owes them, that they are better than other countries and they will bomb everything if needed (Sounds a bit like the muslim extremist party…). And yes, this is what the world sees, sorry to break your bubble. This image started to fade slowly with Obama, but you cannot change decades of negative reputation in only 8 years, but you can destroy 8 years in one hour.

I could go on and on with this subject, but I do not think it would change anything… I mean, this is the country that wants to bring more weapons each time there is a mass murder…

I will wish you all best of luck.

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NOTA: I am not putting this image as a disrespect but as the image that Americans will destroy their own country, themselves, by their own hands.

A Blackfish grew his wings.

January 6th of this new year, cetacean star Tilikum passed away. Tilikum, an Icelandic orca was “working” for SeaWorld and was featured in the documentary “Blackfish” (Available on Netflix).

As the movement to free all cetaceans and mammals from marine theme parks was already in activists’ and marine biologists’ agenda, it took a bigger turn with the death of trainer Dawn Brancheau, other incidents and Tilikum’s isolation. I would like to add a point here and tell you all to watch carefully the video of that sad incident, which is shown in “Blackfish”… Analyze, watch carefully the signals, Tilikum’s response and action, then Dawn’s reaction…  Orcas are not blood thirsty animals like some wants to show us. Tilikum got frustrated. Sad misunderstanding.

So, the movement was at his peak to free Tilikum and other captive orcas. Even though SeaWorld and pro-SeaWorld people said it was impossible and “cruel”, activists and scientists/biologists kept reminding them of Keiko and his successful release in the wild.

(But when we know that SeaWorld says it to be a normal for all of their Orcas to die around 20-30 something years old since it is their lifespan, we can assume they have no knowledge on Orcas whatsoever and therefore how wild animal releases are done. Wonder what they think of J2-Granny…)

Tilikum needed more than others to be released as fast as possible as he was now in isolation, not “working”, no interactions. So the logic move was to release him. But it was a total refusal from SeaWorld. SeaWorld was also very silent when the public asked for news about Tilikum’s health and mental state… until a couple days ago…

SeaWorld is now announcing their will be no more shows, which is a step in the right direction but seems to refuse to let go of any orcas.

Now the next whale to be in isolation, is Canada’s Marineland’s Kiska. The new Ontarian by-law that bans orca breeding/selling/buying is very good, but now Kiska is alone in a pool. Marineland is also shy on giving actual elaborate news on her physical and mental state, just saying she is fine and monitored. Kiska needs orca interaction, depression is the next logical ending to all this and can end up in a weaker immune system, to death… like Tilikum. I will not post on here the images or videos of depressed orcas self-injuring themselves, but feel free to make good research. And maybe read this: Death at SeaWorld.

Now Tilikum got his wings and can roam free, let’s just hope not in vain….

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Orca bull Tilikum

 

 

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Kiska in her “pool”.

 

It’s a cruel world.

As my depression is still very present a year after the man I loved more than life itself decided to “leave me” when I needed him the most… As I was at the hospital as I attempted to my life again due to HIS actions that affected me like I never thought it would, I came to realize even more how cruel this world can be.

Since 1st grade, i’ve been bullied (nothing physical though), and yes, no need for internet for that, for me it started in 1983-84! For some reason, I never was liked in school. Only a handful actually understood and liked me… actually one or two kids. Yet, I never was a bad girl, but guess some doesn’t like people that stands for themselves. But I was okay, I was a kid that nothing got to me, not even punishment. Until Spring 2014…

I was starting to get depression but had some support. But support that ended to be an illusion al through it… So since that faithful evening in December 2015, I tried to get back up on my own. On my own because despite all the people on your Facebook account that posts about suicide prevention and depression, when they are confronted to it, they suddenly disappear. POUF! Just like that. And you end up worst than you already were. Your thoughts gets darker as you wonder if you are just someone that people hate and that they are waiting for you to open your wrist or if it’s just that people don’t take you seriously or just don’t want to have the responsibility to be your aid…. maybe it’s all of the above.

So I tried after all this to get back “on the market”. The only thing I always needed in this life was that one special someone, and always lived well with it. I needed a big shift in my head and in my life. Something to believe in and to forget that I wasn’t worth someone’s faithful love, that someone tried to “kill me”. Well, that didn’t go well at all. As I never really dated, I didn’t really know what to expect. I did let them know that I was ill but yet not crazy. That I was looking for serious, not just hook ups. You know.. being straight forward with my needs and expectations. Well, I never thought that this past year would get me even more disgust about men. Every single one of them actually told me what I wanted to hear, making me believe they were tired of fake relationships, and they were willing to wait a few dates to get their piece of ass! Then, goodbye, so long! I had dates and such with maybe 5 guys… and they have succeeded in proving that this world is a cruel one. Doesn’t matter if you are in a dark place and still very hurting from your last love, doesn’t matter if you tried to killed yourself multiple time and that you are fragile… they will add another nail to your gasket, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the last one. They will take that last piece of worth/self-esteem you have even if it’s already gone. Doesn’t matter as long as they get to their goal, add another ass to their list. And I won’t add the ones that says they want to see you so bad but when the day arrives, no word, they disappear. It’s actually what happened as I write these lines.

So after all this hurt, after all these very nasty, heartless encounters, what exactly should I think or be feeling? (Note here that even professionally, it’s been a disaster, and I don’t know how or why.) How can I even think positively? How can I even get rid of these dark thoughts? How can I believe in the human kind’s kindness? How can I want to go forward?

When I sit and think, I can only see hate toward me, dislike, hurt, pain. I did have a 8 years of wellness in my 37 years on this planet. With Dan. But I really analyze my life and I really wonder what’s wrong. What do they have against me? What did I do wrong? Why to I deserve everything I went through? How was I able to keep it together until 2014?

I will never hide it, not for attention, but because it’s a fact: I still want to die to end this pain and those awful feelings. I just wish my previous attempts have not been stopped, I just wish that my cats would peacefully cross the rainbow bridge so I can too without fearing for them. But I am held here, for them.

If you have this incredible blessed gift of having someone genuinly loving you… don’t take it for granted. Cherish it.

 

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NOTA: M.A.S. I still foolishly love you. Dearly.

My pain. My love.

To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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I am not crazy IV: Drowning in depression and the Quebec health system.

Last night, I ended in the hospital again. I have never felt the need of cutting my wrist this awfully strong. The only person I cared about and was able to hold my head over the water, make me smile, doesn’t care about me anymore, or has he ever…I am destroyed since this same morning. I scream my pain, my needs but no one wants to hear me.

I didn’t want to take my car, I asked my ex to take me to the hospital, I was crying, in pain, he said: “I’m in bed now”. So I took my car.

Depression has become my best and only friend. The kind that loves you so much, he wants to kill you. Breathing is chore, living is impossible. I have seen what they called “professionals” in the past. My last psychiatrist (Qc) refused to analyze me for BPD and go further in my life since my depression is an accumulation of events. He stalled at the very moment, the now only. (A complaint was sent to the College des Médecins)

So I got admitted in this hospital in Quebec last night. Instead of having someone, like both times in Ontario, giving me something to calm me, ease the “pain” until I see the doctor, well like each time in Quebec, like last night, they have put me in a room with no medication and no one, no nurse to come and see me once in awhile to make sure I was ok. I sat there, crying my life, alone for 3h. In such a crisis, I got sick. My emotions had the time to calm down and to shift to anger, hate. When a doctor finally entered the room and casually asked: “What’s up?” with this superior tone and attitude. I told her how sadistic it was to leave me alone, in excruciating pain in a room, with not even a little something to help. She gave me that little smirk and said: “I just got here”. I told her to leave me alone and came back home.

Now, I am totally alone, more than ever. I do have this friend, but the only person that was able to “heal” me, abandoned me and lied to me. He brought me in a darkness so dark, I never thought it existed. It’s thick, suffocating. It wasn’t enough that mental illness pushes away people, that you end up alone, I had to lose it all. I lost my last lifesaver, he doesn’t want me.

I get sick hearing people saying “Oh! it will get better” – “you’re strong, you’ll be fine” – “Everything happens for a reason” – “There’s something for you, be patient”, and so on. Stop pushing those bullshit quotes down the throat of someone in depression, it doesn’t help, it makes it worst. It makes us want to puke, to hit something. Mostly if you’ve be unhappy for so many years, a lifetime. I tasted happiness once, I stupidly walked away.

This past weekend, more than ever, he destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t even get a job and will most probably be homeless in February. I am lost, alone, unloved, a failure, unworthy, and hope has totally disappeared in front of my eyes.

If you have a love one that is hanging on to you to breath, to keep his head out of the water, don’t betray that person, don’t abandon them, don’t leave them. You might be their last thread, and if it breaks, death might be the last person that will welcome that person arms wide open, promising no more pain. Ever.

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Simple dreams but…

During childhood or our teenage years, even adulthood, we all have our dreams, wishes, goals. We want to become this or that. Me, I wanted either to be a police officer or enter the military. Sadly, I never thought about myself, so it pretty much went down the drain for me.

Let’s dream a bit… I always was simple, yet precised. Some wants that big modern house, 23 rooms, 10 bathrooms. Not me, I actually hate modern. I like those centennial old houses, wooden cottage style houses. One that would be away from city stress, in the middle of the Canadian nature, where you can’t hear the highway nearby but can almost hear the history that she saw since she was built. A house you can feel the warmth.

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 Of course, a dog or two. I like a lot of breeds though, such as the Bernese Mountain dog, the Doberman, the Pitbull, the Rottweiler, the German Shepherd…So maybe a mixed breed in a shelter, waiting for his forever home? And why not a little stable? But with not more than two horses to enjoy rides and their incredible zootherapy power: A Canadian Horse and a Clydesdale.

My dream car? I am car girl, I like “muscles” and “tuners” but if I had the choice of a luxury car to add to my collection, definitely a Maserati Quattroporte GTS. But know what? I am happy with my Civic coupe but seriously, the sound on that luxury car? Oh dear! I am drooling!

But these are all materials (Not so much the animals, but you get the point.). If I had the choice, all this,  I don’t want. I want something that 9/10 people on this planet has but I never had: Someone that truly, honestly loves me. I want to stop being on my guards, abandoned myself. I never want to be played anymore. I want to taste happiness because I never did. I want someone that a few times per day will tell me: “I love you” and mean it. I want to feel protected in someone’s arms, be loved. I don’t care if I have to live on the streets, that is not the important thing and I have learned it with time. For some reason, life decided I wasn’t worth this, and I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but at some point, at the age I am, it became a need like water and sun but my hopes are gone, like my trust. So if you have this, please, don’t play with it, be thankful, be very thankful or you might “kill”someone a little more. In my case, I have more chance to have my nearly 200 000$ Maserati….

Rainbow Six: Siege – A first review.

I know that some of you will say: “You are not a real professional reviewer” – “Hell, you’re just a girl!”

I know. But I AM A GAMER and I have my opinions. If you start reading me with this mentally, you can stop right here.

Now, Rainbow Six. An all-time favorite for a lot of gamers, most of us have started playing with Rainbow Six 3 on Xbox. We got hook. Ubisoft heard the fans and came back in force with what us gamers think was the best in the series: Rainbow Six 3: Black Arrow. R6BA gave us their own “Clan Match” servers which was fantastic since “cheating” was practically impossible (Sorry, I don’t remember if it was introduced in R63 and can’t seem to find it.).

Following R6BA, a bad step occurred with Rainbow Six: Lockdown: maps that didn’t felt good at all, easy spawn killing and camping, it really didn’t felt right to us. But “Ubi” were fast on their skates and brought us a surprise with Rainbow Six: Vegas; new maps, new weapons but still our favorites were available, and the new favorite, the fact that you could now cover – blind fire – cover fire. The move also permitted to see terrorists in a stealthy way… Not Splinter Cell stealthy, but a very good one! Sadly, the Clan Match servers disappeared and we were obligated to use “TeamBattles” and experienced A LOT of cheating. I am one of many who stopped Clans because of this fact.

Vegas 2 didn’t deceived either, in fact, the game was released in 2008 and when I have bought my PS4 in December 2014, there were still lots of us playing! The “cover move” was still there, good maps, good game play and a nice story mode. We could play for hours!

After Vegas 2, we were waiting for a new game. Rainbow Six: Patriot was announced with footage that didn’t deceived. Sadly, it was cancelled and more wait came for us gamers.

And now, we have Rainbow Six: Siege in our hands, in our consoles. By following forums and such, we got all scared. Rsix is a franchise that gave a lot to his fanbase, a hardcore fanbase, the kind that if you change it too much, you gonna lose your bet. Trailers, news, gameplay, we all saw them and we all thought: “Wow! That looks amazing! But…”. We don’t like too much change, we like our old blanket even though you’re allowed to wash it.

This morning, I was finally able to play with it, did the few first “training”, so this review is a early one. What can I say. The graphics cannot deceive, the details either. Controls? I still have some issues with the fact that when your fans are used to something, you need to change it all over even if not needed. I have to admit that a part of my brain tried to cover with my left trigger and get low with my right stick. Instead, I was confronted with Call of Duty controls. Did I say I tried to cover? Yes, I did. Surprised! Cover has disappeared, an important piece when it comes to stealth. All morning I had to show my face to terrorist! Unreal like is my thought.

As I am early, very early in the game, but needed to start my review because of this, I won’t just bash it right now, no worries, I’ll wait and see. But so far, the controls and cover are the issues… I have yet to see WHEN I can make my character, if I can choose MY rifle (my fav is the G36c, crossing fingers!) and if we can customize like Vegas…

To be continued…

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Same dream, different scenario.

For the second time, i’ve been dreaming of a dead person and a dog. Different scenario though: a person dies in front of me, some say he’s not dead, but I know he is… I see this person’s face in the dream…it’s not blurry at all, but I don’t know him or recall seeing him anywhere outside the dream.

Then, a white German Shepherd mix, a stray with a cord still at his neck. No one is able to approach him. Next thing you know, I am in a police cruiser I have stolen, with the dog in the passenger seat, and we are off for a joyride.

Now, I have checked the meaning:

DeathTo see someone dying in your dream signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person. If you see a stranger die in your dream, then it implies that you are feeling detached from the changes that are happening around you. 

Dog: To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten. 

German Shepherd: To see a German Shepherd in your dream highlights your protective instincts and attentiveness to a situation.  This is no time for you to be nervous and/or lose control.

White dog: If you dream of a friendly white dog approaching you, it portends for you a victorious engagement whether in business or love. For a woman, this is an omen of an early marriage. 

Police cruiser/car: To see a police car in your dream indicates that help is on the way for you. You are experiencing some inner turmoil and need intervention. 

When I read all this and put 2 & 2 together with the last events, struggles, and all that is going on in my life and mental health, I see the connection. Now, I have always had premonitory dreams, dreams that meant something. And right now, I need them more than ever. I anyone has a more extensive meaning of this dream, or other meanings, feel free to tell me, would really appreciate it.