I am not crazy IV: Drowning in depression and the Quebec health system.

Last night, I ended in the hospital again. I have never felt the need of cutting my wrist this awfully strong. The only person I cared about and was able to hold my head over the water, make me smile, doesn’t care about me anymore, or has he ever…I am destroyed since this same morning. I scream my pain, my needs but no one wants to hear me.

I didn’t want to take my car, I asked my ex to take me to the hospital, I was crying, in pain, he said: “I’m in bed now”. So I took my car.

Depression has become my best and only friend. The kind that loves you so much, he wants to kill you. Breathing is chore, living is impossible. I have seen what they called “professionals” in the past. My last psychiatrist (Qc) refused to analyze me for BPD and go further in my life since my depression is an accumulation of events. He stalled at the very moment, the now only. (A complaint was sent to the College des Médecins)

So I got admitted in this hospital in Quebec last night. Instead of having someone, like both times in Ontario, giving me something to calm me, ease the “pain” until I see the doctor, well like each time in Quebec, like last night, they have put me in a room with no medication and no one, no nurse to come and see me once in awhile to make sure I was ok. I sat there, crying my life, alone for 3h. In such a crisis, I got sick. My emotions had the time to calm down and to shift to anger, hate. When a doctor finally entered the room and casually asked: “What’s up?” with this superior tone and attitude. I told her how sadistic it was to leave me alone, in excruciating pain in a room, with not even a little something to help. She gave me that little smirk and said: “I just got here”. I told her to leave me alone and came back home.

Now, I am totally alone, more than ever. I do have this friend, but the only person that was able to “heal” me, abandoned me and lied to me. He brought me in a darkness so dark, I never thought it existed. It’s thick, suffocating. It wasn’t enough that mental illness pushes away people, that you end up alone, I had to lose it all. I lost my last lifesaver, he doesn’t want me.

I get sick hearing people saying “Oh! it will get better” – “you’re strong, you’ll be fine” – “Everything happens for a reason” – “There’s something for you, be patient”, and so on. Stop pushing those bullshit quotes down the throat of someone in depression, it doesn’t help, it makes it worst. It makes us want to puke, to hit something. Mostly if you’ve be unhappy for so many years, a lifetime. I tasted happiness once, I stupidly walked away.

This past weekend, more than ever, he destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t even get a job and will most probably be homeless in February. I am lost, alone, unloved, a failure, unworthy, and hope has totally disappeared in front of my eyes.

If you have a love one that is hanging on to you to breath, to keep his head out of the water, don’t betray that person, don’t abandon them, don’t leave them. You might be their last thread, and if it breaks, death might be the last person that will welcome that person arms wide open, promising no more pain. Ever.

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Simple dreams but…

During childhood or our teenage years, even adulthood, we all have our dreams, wishes, goals. We want to become this or that. Me, I wanted either to be a police officer or enter the military. Sadly, I never thought about myself, so it pretty much went down the drain for me.

Let’s dream a bit… I always was simple, yet precised. Some wants that big modern house, 23 rooms, 10 bathrooms. Not me, I actually hate modern. I like those centennial old houses, wooden cottage style houses. One that would be away from city stress, in the middle of the Canadian nature, where you can’t hear the highway nearby but can almost hear the history that she saw since she was built. A house you can feel the warmth.

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 Of course, a dog or two. I like a lot of breeds though, such as the Bernese Mountain dog, the Doberman, the Pitbull, the Rottweiler, the German Shepherd…So maybe a mixed breed in a shelter, waiting for his forever home? And why not a little stable? But with not more than two horses to enjoy rides and their incredible zootherapy power: A Canadian Horse and a Clydesdale.

My dream car? I am car girl, I like “muscles” and “tuners” but if I had the choice of a luxury car to add to my collection, definitely a Maserati Quattroporte GTS. But know what? I am happy with my Civic coupe but seriously, the sound on that luxury car? Oh dear! I am drooling!

But these are all materials (Not so much the animals, but you get the point.). If I had the choice, all this,  I don’t want. I want something that 9/10 people on this planet has but I never had: Someone that truly, honestly loves me. I want to stop being on my guards, abandoned myself. I never want to be played anymore. I want to taste happiness because I never did. I want someone that a few times per day will tell me: “I love you” and mean it. I want to feel protected in someone’s arms, be loved. I don’t care if I have to live on the streets, that is not the important thing and I have learned it with time. For some reason, life decided I wasn’t worth this, and I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but at some point, at the age I am, it became a need like water and sun but my hopes are gone, like my trust. So if you have this, please, don’t play with it, be thankful, be very thankful or you might “kill”someone a little more. In my case, I have more chance to have my nearly 200 000$ Maserati….

Rainbow Six: Siege – A first review.

I know that some of you will say: “You are not a real professional reviewer” – “Hell, you’re just a girl!”

I know. But I AM A GAMER and I have my opinions. If you start reading me with this mentally, you can stop right here.

Now, Rainbow Six. An all-time favorite for a lot of gamers, most of us have started playing with Rainbow Six 3 on Xbox. We got hook. Ubisoft heard the fans and came back in force with what us gamers think was the best in the series: Rainbow Six 3: Black Arrow. R6BA gave us their own “Clan Match” servers which was fantastic since “cheating” was practically impossible (Sorry, I don’t remember if it was introduced in R63 and can’t seem to find it.).

Following R6BA, a bad step occurred with Rainbow Six: Lockdown: maps that didn’t felt good at all, easy spawn killing and camping, it really didn’t felt right to us. But “Ubi” were fast on their skates and brought us a surprise with Rainbow Six: Vegas; new maps, new weapons but still our favorites were available, and the new favorite, the fact that you could now cover – blind fire – cover fire. The move also permitted to see terrorists in a stealthy way… Not Splinter Cell stealthy, but a very good one! Sadly, the Clan Match servers disappeared and we were obligated to use “TeamBattles” and experienced A LOT of cheating. I am one of many who stopped Clans because of this fact.

Vegas 2 didn’t deceived either, in fact, the game was released in 2008 and when I have bought my PS4 in December 2014, there were still lots of us playing! The “cover move” was still there, good maps, good game play and a nice story mode. We could play for hours!

After Vegas 2, we were waiting for a new game. Rainbow Six: Patriot was announced with footage that didn’t deceived. Sadly, it was cancelled and more wait came for us gamers.

And now, we have Rainbow Six: Siege in our hands, in our consoles. By following forums and such, we got all scared. Rsix is a franchise that gave a lot to his fanbase, a hardcore fanbase, the kind that if you change it too much, you gonna lose your bet. Trailers, news, gameplay, we all saw them and we all thought: “Wow! That looks amazing! But…”. We don’t like too much change, we like our old blanket even though you’re allowed to wash it.

This morning, I was finally able to play with it, did the few first “training”, so this review is a early one. What can I say. The graphics cannot deceive, the details either. Controls? I still have some issues with the fact that when your fans are used to something, you need to change it all over even if not needed. I have to admit that a part of my brain tried to cover with my left trigger and get low with my right stick. Instead, I was confronted with Call of Duty controls. Did I say I tried to cover? Yes, I did. Surprised! Cover has disappeared, an important piece when it comes to stealth. All morning I had to show my face to terrorist! Unreal like is my thought.

As I am early, very early in the game, but needed to start my review because of this, I won’t just bash it right now, no worries, I’ll wait and see. But so far, the controls and cover are the issues… I have yet to see WHEN I can make my character, if I can choose MY rifle (my fav is the G36c, crossing fingers!) and if we can customize like Vegas…

To be continued…

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The last hit. 

For almost two years, I was hopeful to find happiness and know how it feels after 36 years. I was deeply in love, words can’t describe how in love I was. As I felt some irregularities, instead of having my depression and anxiety always at a low level, it would act like a roller coaster, I couldn’t get anything out of his mouth, and I was terrified: I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want him to be another cheating/liar/player, I was craving love and security. So I cried a lot, terrified.

In the past month, I discovered that the man of my life was cheating on me. Taking me so much for an idiot, he had the guts to spread it on social media. Now I know why I needed to be hidden.  Why wanting me then?

It’s been a week since I last talked to him, he ended by saying it was my fault and I ruined is life. Plus lies. My fault? All I wanted is to be honestly loved! I am not the one who slept around.

This was the biggest hit I ever took, the kinds that kills you.

So I am here, lying in my bed, unable to live normally, motivation at zero, self-worth/self-esteem gone, trust in people gone, wishing each night to not wake up in the morning because the pain is too vivid and raw, eating my insides. I never thought in my entire life that someone, a man, would have so much effect, impact on me.

As my emotions and feelings are a mess, my mind and soul in a very dark place and my “joie de vivre” is gone… I will stop blogging. I am drowning too much in sorrow, and using the lil energy I have left for my to fight for Pitbulls…

Thanks to those who read me…. Maybe someday I’ll be back, but I doubt I’ll find the path to happiness as it was always taken away from me for some reason.

Be well,

Melanie A.k.A La Louve

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Liberate the Majestic.

Found in almost every seas, the Orca, also known as Killer Whale, is one of Canada’s western pride. This whale is well recognized by his black and white markings and his dolphin like appearance, he can weight up to 6 tons and be 32ft long.

But this Majestic mammal is another animal that human being wants to control and use to feed their hunger for money. For years, the Orca has been chased to be brought in aquariums and theme parks such as SeaWorld and MarineLand, then these facilities decided to breed them. But the family bond in Orca pods is very strong, the calf stays with his mother and the pod. But these facilities separates the mother and the calf, putting the mother in a depression mode and the calf in a stressful situation.

We all have seen in the news the incidents, a whale “killing” his trainer. The “only” one really reported being the one of Dawn Brancheau, when Tilikum had enough. (By the way, on the website attached to “Tilikum”, there’s a petition to free him, please sign!)

Want a reality check? Watch the documentary BLACKFISH::::

These gentle giants, despite the name “Killer Whale”, have been given this aggressive, bloodthirsty image because human beings saw money all over the place if they captured them and displayed them like a goldfish in a bowl. What they don’t know, rather, what they are denying, is that the Orca is an intelligent, sensitive, emotional and social animal. One that is thirsty for the open water to migrate, feed, bond, play. But in some cases, they are kept in small pools until they have to “perform”, the equivalent of leaving your 8 years old in a bathtub 3/4 of his time.

The issue is not that Orcas in captivity can not survived, the release of famous Keiko at the end of the 90’s, mostly known for his Hollywood stardom name Willy, is the proof. Sadly, he died of pneumonia in 2003, but he died free and happy.

I invite you to see his journey back home:::::

As sensitive animals, the Orca is prone to depression and frustration which can lead to aggression, as gentle they can be… We need to stop encouraging the industry, starting by not going to these parks. Spread the word. Sign petitions and get involved. Many of these Majestic Whales around the world are captive and need our help to return home.

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You have no rights on others.

I’ve just finished reading this article, the first to make me wanna write since a little while, being afflicted by continuous awful things that keeps my soul in darkness. Anyway…

It didn’t only made me want to write, but to rage. Kim Davis, this narrow-minded woman who refused to deliver a marriage permit to gay couples in the US strikes again. I wonder if i’m gonna be able to be constructive in this post.

First, let me say that I have denied the catholic/christian religion a long time ago because of those ludicrous beliefs, for the control this institution had on their followers lives, threatening them if they didn’t obey the “holy laws”, controlling even the justice and “juge de paix” in the beginning of the 18th century. Even today, people following this religion are so much brainwashed to believe that homosexuality is a sin, that they want to control other people’s life too. All this forgetting the part “love your neighbor…”, “love one another”. But whatever your religion is, YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE’S LIFE AND IMPOSE YOUR BELIEFS!!

It’s not “natural” they say, God never made us this way they say… Well for your information, the rest of the animal kingdom have their own homosexual bonds, the most commonly known being the dolphin, a very intelligent and emotional animal. What you guys call “the creatures of god” and that your “book” said to have been saved by Moses, have their own love story and never will their pairs judge them. We are the only “mammal” on planet earth to want to control each other, that lacks basic respect towards each other, that will “destroy” each other whether it’s mentally or physically. I hate people. I have myself, like many others, experience other’s selfishness, the last experienced being the most destructive to my soul. I lost all trust in people. But ok, that’s another story.

Anyway, sometimes religion does that, not only “human nature”. That’s why I decided to believe in the magic of our planet, the nature that surrounds us, Pagan beliefs. Such a liberal “religion” that the bible and his followers have declared war against it for centuries, calling it “demonic”.

What can we do now to make “these extremist of the bible”, leave others alone? That we don’t have to submit to their beliefs? Whether it’s on abortion, gay marriage or birth control, THIS IS NOT OF OTHER’S BUSINESS!!!! It’s not to you to judge them, us! Even less your right, Kim Davis!

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There’s something fishy.

Eight years ago, a child disappeared in Trois-Rivières, province of Québec. Her name is Cédrika Provencher. She was 9 years old. Now, why the title of this post, why do I think there’s something fishy…? Here it goes…

Cédrika is one out of many that disappeared without a trace and are still to be found. You can see it on the Missing Children Society of Canada, and there’s quite a few in Québec, and I wonder if some are not on the website. But for the past years and today, in the news, everywhere, the only child you hear of is Cédrika; Articles, press releases, air time in the evening news, and we are talking about all the time since she disappeared. And it’s not the end of it, a foundation and… a movie! Why does she have so much attention from the medias for all those years, still today, and there’s all those other children still missing, that seems like everyone as forgotten? They are important too, no?

I don’t like this. Not only it smells bad but it’s not fair for the other parents that are still grieving the loss of their child, it’s not fair for those children that are waiting to be found. They are shadowed by all this publicity and their hope is taken away. I will even have the guts to say that it looks like a money thing…. Yes, I will go there and say it out loud!

Thank god, they started to talk again about the native teens that disappeared, and those who were killed…But it seems it didn’t last. Sadly, natives are the most forgotten.

So please, check out the website, there’s not only “her” somewhere out there…

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Girl problem #2: Baseball Caps.

Who would have thought that a girl problem could be a baseball cap…? It’s not a everyday thing or and some wouldn’t care less, but l I am sure that lots of girls will relate at the end.

I had that cap, a white Nike with the black symbol on the front. Wore it a lot. Always liked to have one for long summer car rides, outdoor activities, when the “mane” doesn’t cooperate, and so on. I wore it until it got yellow at the base and the fabric started to come off! Honestly, I would have kept it… I don’t remember who threw it out…

So, i’ve been on the hunt for a new one, years after. I wanted one from my favorite hockey team: Montreal Canadiens. There’s a lot of nice ones out there, lots! So what is the problem? The back of the caps. Back about 10 years ago, they were pretty much sizable with this opening at the back of them. A blessing for girls like me that have long thick hair, that are not using them to be “fashionable”, so we can put our hair in a ponytail and pass then through the hole. Nowadays, 97% are closed at the back, no opening or sizing whatsoever. So you have to either have your hair loose or with a low-neck ponytail, so you always have your hair in the way, bugging you, mostly on hot sticky days on your neck.

So, what did sport equipment companies thought? I am sure that some guys have trouble finding the right size, and the sizable ones are the best options. Plus, huh, think about girls a little bit guys! The sporting industry, when it comes to team merchandise, always thought about men. It’s only recently that women became, finally, a targeted market. I mostly would like to give two thumbs up to actress Alyssa Milano, a sports fan, that saw the lack of clothing for women and took the step to end this nonsense by creating Touch by AM.  She managed to keep it girly, yet not too much but still fashionable. The only “down” is that some sports/sport teams have lots of choices, some barely, like the Habs….

So, at the end, I have found one Habs cap that I did like. Not a “wow” like some others, but I like it and there’s an opening on the back!

Oh! Yeah!… Those straight leather front ones are ugly as F…..!!

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Equine eye opener.

I was reading one of the two books I bought on horses, comfortably sitting in my Civic with a Timmie’s the other day (Yeah I know how that sounds, don’t ask) and I got that flash. As I am right now fulfilling my passion for horses, I am getting those lessons, levels, educating myself with books along the way. I had to do it to know my horses as well as I know my dogs, a all new field.

I think I have mentioned that a friend of mine as brought back this passion by telling me to try a job as groom/hot walker in a race track she works in that will not name. Even though I am not an expert in horses, I have seen a lot but mostly ranch life horses and jumpers. So, as was reading the second book,  and getting in the behavior chapter, it all got clear to me. While I was at this race track, for only a day (Job conditions didn’t fit what I needed…), I noticed a lot of frustrated horses. Horses that wouldn’t listen to “professional trainers” while they were sitting on their backs to “train them” a.k.a have a couple track runs. They would tell you to step way aside when they passed with a horse… I wondered why until I saw those frustrated horses. Now I know why.

As the book is pointing, horses are sensitive animals. They will react to their environment, and if they lack something they will develop vices or behavior problems. It says that to a horse to be balanced and stress-free, they need to be, of course, socialized and we need to present them certain situations so they can be confident. Also, like dogs, to have excellent results and a better “relationship” with him, the training has to be free of all frustration, angriness, violence. The key is calm and assertiveness. But also a horse, needs to be….. A HORSE.

Horses that I have encounter at the track are horses that are brought there in spring, put in a stall, and brought back by their owners for the winter. They are taken out once per day for maybe 30 minutes to run around a race track with strangers, and then come back in the stables. A little walk to cool off around the stable and back in the stall they go. That’s it. For half the year.

Horses are pack animals (called “bands”), they need to socialized with their kind but they also don’t enjoy much to be confined. They will enjoy the security and comfiness of their stalls but to be in an open area such as fields do make them feel better as they can flee if needed (Horses are preys and domestic horses have kept this feeling). And of course, tell me which living being likes to be confined? To do nothing, see no one (the stalls are made so they don’t see each other well), and not being able to enjoy the summer breeze in the mane and a good green grass? No one. So behavior problems, frustration and vices happens.

Of course I have saw some that are very gentle and are the “happy-go-lucky” kind, like the ones that I have cleaned the stall and walked. But I saw aggressive horses, well, maybe it’s too strong of a word, I would say “very low tolerance and I hate you” horses. Nervous horses, horses that will not listen and seem like they want to flee, horses that are hit (not an “order hit”, a “correction hit” with a crop). Yes, they are well groomed, and one even as his daily oxygen treatment (Owner’s demand). But these horses are not allowed to be horses. They are literally only bred to satisfy one’s need to gamble to then be imprisoned.

Want to know something else? Apparently there’s a “thing” that these owners do to have the perfect racing horse, but I couldn’t find any proper article or claims on it:  Surgical procedures on the legs when they are only small foals. I won’t start on this but you can search on it and read what I have found here.

I needed to denounce this. We are talking a lot about dog racing and the poor conditions the Greyhounds are in, but we should also work on the horse’s conditions in race tracks…. and let’s not forget the caleche horses….

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Untitled: If you can’t, then let me leave this world.

I wasn’t ready for this tonight, even though I knew it and I felt it for so long that it was ridiculous.

I fell in love with you spring 2014, like I never did with anyone.  I have desperately hang on to you, my last hope, my last light in this life. It seemed promising. But as time passed, some things were missing that got me deeper in the darkness I was already walking in. Too much questions unanswered, too much words unsaid, and it never got better, so that dark tunnel sucked me in deeper, and my heart was more than ever craving love and light. A craving that hurted so much, folding my body in two, burning tears falling down my face, losing trust and hope.

I wanted so much with you. I was praying you were finally the one, that finally I would be happy, be someone’s baby girl, be important to someone.

For the past months, it seems even more obvious that I was not important. At least, you made me feel like it. A puppet that you play with and put back in the closet when you have someone else to play with or if she/they snap their fingers.

I was sick. Depression got a hold of me and I thought I could get better. I wanted to get better so I would not lose you… But you got tired of it. And you left me there for months. “Got me out” once in all these months to help you but you put me back as fast in my closet for…?? (Please no…). But I am losing you anyways. So what is the point of me getting better, what is the point to continue walking forward if life thinks I don’t deserve to be happy but to continuously hurt? What is the point to sit on this planet if my last hope doesn’t even want me?  What is the point of seeing the sunlight each morning if I can’t have that one and only thing in life?

At night and even during the day, I wonder if you ever loved me for real, if you (still) do now. I wonder why you are doing this to me. Why are you playing with my heart and let it bleed because it doesn’t know if you want to be my soldier that will love and protect me against this evil world? Even with everything I told you, do you even realize how much I love you? Do you think I am taking this lightly and that I am not serious with all those words that told you?

If you have to put a knife in my heart, at least make sure I don’t survive so I can be freed of this pain….

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