To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…



Therapy by the art of writing and more positivity.

After a few months of Hiatus including struggles and almost losing my whole world, I have stepped on my pride and got help…

I am now back on my blog. It is no secret by my past posts that I struggled with mental health. As I was hurting myself inside, I was also making life a living hell for the man I love, the one who tried to help me, the only one that couple make me smile. All this because I thought I could do it all by myself again.

Sadly, I had to almost lose him to say “HEY! You cannot do it by yourself anymore, you now need a professional!!!”. I did. For me, but for my loved ones also. I can’t lose the only bright part of my life! So I won’t be ashamed, and will say it: my doc diagnosed me with severe depression. The past year was too overwhelming for me, it got passed my simple anxiety and became depression. BPD will be diagnosed in the next weeks. I might have control this disorder very well until now.

If you think you have depression, anxiety crisis, or just don’t feel right in your head, please don’t do like I did and wait. It’s not because you made it so far on your own that it will be okay all your life. We are not invincible. The mind can be very strong, but it does have its own limits. I have learn the hard way, that it can be so, sooooo hard for the ones around you too, as they get helpless and don’t know what to do at the end to make it better and stop the tears and rage… a living hell. Trust me, when you feel like I did, the last thing you need is to be on the edge of losing the one you love and that kept what’s left of you together.

So as a part of my healing, and the search of a normal life (Job, relationships, financial, etc.), I will continue writing here. I am already writing thoughts in a book, thoughts I can’t share, it helps, but it’s darker…. and here, it will be my other therapy: to change my mind and chat over more positive and lighter things!

And up to a more brighter road!

I AM NOT CRAZY PART III: Anyone ever heard of BPD?

A video made by a girl named Kira Hollis is circulating through Facebook and the net right now. Since it was tagged as a video on mental disorders and being HALF diagnosed, I decided to watch it. As the video played, tears starting to flow, some light came through the dark. I jumped on Google to search: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Could this be it?

We all hear about the same disorders and illnesses, those who are easy to diagnosed: Depression and anxiety. Beside the movie “Girl, Interrupted“, which I will recommend if you haven’t seen it yet, I had never heard the name BPD. Going through the video and the articles, I could just relate, except one “symptom”, or more of a behavior aspect. Did the “home test” on the reference website: scored severe (36).

Some will think that I shouldn’t put my problems on a blog, but I need to share since there is so much passing through health systems, so much people with troubled minds, and so little people capable of dealing with an afflicted loved one… I know how it feels to be alone in an empty mind, raging, crying, any little concerns bursting something in your brain and you lose it, having no one brave enough to hold your hand through this: everyone afflicted needs to know they are not alone, and those who knows one who is afflicted should know about what it is. And it’s good for all three: Depression, anxiety disorder and BPD. Also to say I am sorry to some..

Recently I have experienced how it can be hard for others, scary to be with me, someone has put the cards on the table for the first time in my life… Got on the edge of losing someone I adore and hang on to for my disorder because I am “out of control”, able to go through a list of 10 emotions in 5 minutes. And this was before I knew about BPD. Now I think all the way back and I put 2 & 2 together, the possible causes, my life, me… Even right now, writing those lines without crying is hard. I have BPD. Probably since I was 16.

Just knowing this, I see a small light and it feels good. The person I love is still with me and it feels good. A very little number of friends are still there, and it feels good.

Do your searches, surround yourself with the ones that love you no matter what, do what makes you happy, gather all the little positive together.

Now to be officially diagnosed… damn Qc health system, may take awhile…


I AM NOT CRAZY PART II: Why isn’t it their fault?

We know that some events out of our control can trigger the anxiety/depression effect. That is fact we can’t deny and doctor approved.

What about people causing other people to “lose it”? On purpose or not. Some of us are hyper-sensitive, emotional and can only be heart in soul in what they believe in, never half of it. Those kind of person tend to be taken for granted and played by their loved ones as they know they will just stay no matter what and keep cherishing them. Their love is so strong they are almost blinded, and this is where the danger can show up.

I am one of those. As much as a bad temper I can have, as much I am weak, hyper-sensitive and can only be 110% into things I believe in. And yes, people took advantage of it. A lot. They still do today. People like us get pushed and pushed as we try to understand what did wrong. Like the little dog that was beaten, we come back to the one that we think love us, and will keep coming back until we have found the power to bite back. I have found the power 2 times: One after 2 years, since he was also abusive (Assault), and the other one after 7 years. How much time i’ll last next time? I don’t know.

People in this situation are out of solutions and they think they are the problem. Why would it be us the problem and that should see the doctor when the problem is the person whose abusive, a player, a liar and give only a shit about it’s own little mind? So we go in therapy (if the system didn’t let you down) and we are put pills to try to have control on our anxiety, depression, control on us. Pills that doesn’t even work anymore for me at the point I am right now (30mg Paxil), or last for a few hours and can only be taken only in case of crisis (Ativan 1mg but I have to take two to have an effect). So what is the next step? Xanax?

You don’t think that people can make us slip off the edge, eh? See it this way. Bullies. Bullies as we know don’t only gives the physical treatment, but psychological as well. Pushing enough their victims that they will commit suicide to end the bullying and the mental suffering. Abused women. Those who are in a violent relationship. This would be the extreme version of what I was talking about. Some of them only saw one way to get out of it….

In all cases, it seems that whatever we do, we fall back in the same situation, different person. We get out, we get right back in without even thinking of it, a vicious circle. And there’s nothing doctor or pills can do about it. So we are pushed to the edge, with millions of questions in our heads, and wondering how we can end this cycle once and for all, what would be the ultimate solution? We all thought about that one…. But only a few of us were courageous enough to do it and without thinking about the last person that pushed them to this point “I cannot do it, for him”. Some others fall into addictions: Alcohol, pills, drugs… A certain way to shut off the mind and ease the pain, a way to die slowly.

Science have played with the brains of millions of people trying to solve mental illnesses, people that are at the end of the rope, people with depressions, people that cannot sleep, overly anxious people, people with xenophobia, addicted people…. I suggest science to start collecting brains from the ones who can’t stop hurting them. Or find a way they can feel the hurt they are doing, so they can understand that mental illness and that the “Mal de Vivre” is a true thing.

I AM NOT CRAZY: Depression, anxiety and other mental disorders.

In August 2014, a good, brilliant man that spent his life making us laugh committed suicide. We will all remember Robin Williams. But it took his death to bring the depression and mental health disorders back in the spotlight. All of a sudden, people were trying to understand and help those affected. But it all stopped as fast. We don’t hear about it anymore and people that were judging back then, are still judging today.

I am not ashamed to say that I have an anxiety disorder, and it got mixed with depression for the last year. A mixture and accumulation of events have got me, have broken the strong “I don’t need no one” woman that I was. Bursting in tears in the most unexpected moments, panic attacks, no motivation. I ended twice at the hospital for crisis. At my lowest, I had darker thoughts that only 2 persons knows. The hospital have put me through a line of experts. The last one, a psychiatrist, gave me the good news that my brain is a very healthy one. I know what I need to be well again and get back on track with life. I just have to figure out how, and keep it that way. The hardest part will be to get back what my last 2 exes took: trust again and keep away the fear of being played, cheated and not loved at my worth. Like my psychiatrist said, there’s one security that I need and afraid to lose, and it’s from my loved one. The type of connection I can get with him, whoever he is, is an important side to me, it gave me that safe feeling. I can do well in life with zero friends, but not with that one and only person that I need. So in certain situations, my brain, without warnings is triggered with fear, panic. What if I lose everything again?

So this being said, being afflicted with this, I have noticed how some people can react to us. And here, I would like to thank JS and Joe, that took care of me, was worried for me and brought me to the hospital on my second major crisis. Most people actually think we are crazy. We are not. Believe it or not, but those conditions are mostly seen in overly intelligent people that were strong for too long and never wanted to show weaknesses, and have help. The condition is the breaking point. But yes, some are predisposed to the condition.

Some people, like my father, don’t believe in any diseases. It’s all in our head, we are creating it, get over it. Some will get mad at us, ignore us, insult us, judge us, lose patience. Whether they believe in the disease or not. Some think that by “pushing” us, and giving us the hard talk, it will help. No. It makes it worst. It also touches our self-esteem, which sometimes, like me, have lost already. So all of your inside feels like it’s been twisted by some invisible hands and the tears keeps falling. What we need is someone that will sit with us, hug us, and say “it will be alright”. Someone that will take the time to hear us, that tries to understand, and tries to make it better. It makes the pain slowly disappear..

What triggers a “crisis”? It can be anything. For me it’s fear that the past will rewrite itself again. That I will be played, taken for granted, cheated on and lose the one that I love again. But also, and I have lived it at my worst, sometimes you just don’t know why. You suddenly burst in tears and feel an inside pain:

So we get this need to be reassured. Even on the way to recovery, once in awhile, some things can trigger a “crisis”: Pain, fear, takes over. The road to recovery is a long rocky road. It’s even longer by yourself, when you have no one that can understand what is going on or know how to react. Do you completely recover? I know that my anxiety disorder will never leave, but I know that in normal situations, I am able to control it without medication. The depression side, I am not so sure. I think I will be able to beat it. But the wounds that triggered it? I think they will stay. I was deeply burned, and even if I am slowly healing, it will leave scars. I think that eventually though, the depression side might come back if I get back in the hardships I went through… If my mind and soul reacted this way after all this time, I don’t know what will prevent it to do it again.

Those mental illness can lead to darker, sad endings. I could still refer to Robin Williams, but also to a close friend of mine from when I was a teen. I wrote me letters when he was placed in a youth center, he was sad and troubled, but he was happy I was there for him. But it wasn’t enough to prevent him from hanging himself in his parent’s bathroom. The pain and the darkness must have been so overwhelming to him. I will never judge his decision, like we should never judge anyone’s decision to do it. When you never went through it, it’s hard to understand how their soul feels. It will hurt that person’s surrounding, family and friends, but don’t take it personal, it’s their decision, their exit to end the unbearable suffering. Miss you Alex!

If you have or suspect a friend or a family member to be depressed, not mentally doing well, don’t ignore them, lose patience or get mad at them. Just be there, just take them in your arms and listen to them. If you are not sure what to do, or that it’s worst than you think, you can search the internet or health centers to get help.

If you are the one afflicted, don’t give up. Search for something that makes your heart smile. For me, it was my dog (Zootherapy), he was a typical therapy dog breed, a Bernese Mountain Dog… he was my best friend, my guardian…. but “a situation” obliged me to bring him back to the breeder. So I try to go walk dogs at shelters. Don’t keep it for yourself, I know you think you can do it by yourself, but I have learned that we can’t…