As my depression is still very present a year after the man I loved more than life itself decided to “leave me” when I needed him the most… As I was at the hospital as I attempted to my life again due to HIS actions that affected me like I never thought it would, I came to realize even more how cruel this world can be.
Since 1st grade, i’ve been bullied (nothing physical though), and yes, no need for internet for that, for me it started in 1983-84! For some reason, I never was liked in school. Only a handful actually understood and liked me… actually one or two kids. Yet, I never was a bad girl, but guess some doesn’t like people that stands for themselves. But I was okay, I was a kid that nothing got to me, not even punishment. Until Spring 2014…
I was starting to get depression but had some support. But support that ended to be an illusion al through it… So since that faithful evening in December 2015, I tried to get back up on my own. On my own because despite all the people on your Facebook account that posts about suicide prevention and depression, when they are confronted to it, they suddenly disappear. POUF! Just like that. And you end up worst than you already were. Your thoughts gets darker as you wonder if you are just someone that people hate and that they are waiting for you to open your wrist or if it’s just that people don’t take you seriously or just don’t want to have the responsibility to be your aid…. maybe it’s all of the above.
So I tried after all this to get back “on the market”. The only thing I always needed in this life was that one special someone, and always lived well with it. I needed a big shift in my head and in my life. Something to believe in and to forget that I wasn’t worth someone’s faithful love, that someone tried to “kill me”. Well, that didn’t go well at all. As I never really dated, I didn’t really know what to expect. I did let them know that I was ill but yet not crazy. That I was looking for serious, not just hook ups. You know.. being straight forward with my needs and expectations. Well, I never thought that this past year would get me even more disgust about men. Every single one of them actually told me what I wanted to hear, making me believe they were tired of fake relationships, and they were willing to wait a few dates to get their piece of ass! Then, goodbye, so long! I had dates and such with maybe 5 guys… and they have succeeded in proving that this world is a cruel one. Doesn’t matter if you are in a dark place and still very hurting from your last love, doesn’t matter if you tried to killed yourself multiple time and that you are fragile… they will add another nail to your gasket, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the last one. They will take that last piece of worth/self-esteem you have even if it’s already gone. Doesn’t matter as long as they get to their goal, add another ass to their list. And I won’t add the ones that says they want to see you so bad but when the day arrives, no word, they disappear. It’s actually what happened as I write these lines.
So after all this hurt, after all these very nasty, heartless encounters, what exactly should I think or be feeling? (Note here that even professionally, it’s been a disaster, and I don’t know how or why.) How can I even think positively? How can I even get rid of these dark thoughts? How can I believe in the human kind’s kindness? How can I want to go forward?
When I sit and think, I can only see hate toward me, dislike, hurt, pain. I did have a 8 years of wellness in my 37 years on this planet. With Dan. But I really analyze my life and I really wonder what’s wrong. What do they have against me? What did I do wrong? Why to I deserve everything I went through? How was I able to keep it together until 2014?
I will never hide it, not for attention, but because it’s a fact: I still want to die to end this pain and those awful feelings. I just wish my previous attempts have not been stopped, I just wish that my cats would peacefully cross the rainbow bridge so I can too without fearing for them. But I am held here, for them.
If you have this incredible blessed gift of having someone genuinly loving you… don’t take it for granted. Cherish it.
NOTA: M.A.S. I still foolishly love you. Dearly.
My pain. My love.