It’s a cruel world.

As my depression is still very present a year after the man I loved more than life itself decided to “leave me” when I needed him the most… As I was at the hospital as I attempted to my life again due to HIS actions that affected me like I never thought it would, I came to realize even more how cruel this world can be.

Since 1st grade, i’ve been bullied (nothing physical though), and yes, no need for internet for that, for me it started in 1983-84! For some reason, I never was liked in school. Only a handful actually understood and liked me… actually one or two kids. Yet, I never was a bad girl, but guess some doesn’t like people that stands for themselves. But I was okay, I was a kid that nothing got to me, not even punishment. Until Spring 2014…

I was starting to get depression but had some support. But support that ended to be an illusion al through it… So since that faithful evening in December 2015, I tried to get back up on my own. On my own because despite all the people on your Facebook account that posts about suicide prevention and depression, when they are confronted to it, they suddenly disappear. POUF! Just like that. And you end up worst than you already were. Your thoughts gets darker as you wonder if you are just someone that people hate and that they are waiting for you to open your wrist or if it’s just that people don’t take you seriously or just don’t want to have the responsibility to be your aid…. maybe it’s all of the above.

So I tried after all this to get back “on the market”. The only thing I always needed in this life was that one special someone, and always lived well with it. I needed a big shift in my head and in my life. Something to believe in and to forget that I wasn’t worth someone’s faithful love, that someone tried to “kill me”. Well, that didn’t go well at all. As I never really dated, I didn’t really know what to expect. I did let them know that I was ill but yet not crazy. That I was looking for serious, not just hook ups. You know.. being straight forward with my needs and expectations. Well, I never thought that this past year would get me even more disgust about men. Every single one of them actually told me what I wanted to hear, making me believe they were tired of fake relationships, and they were willing to wait a few dates to get their piece of ass! Then, goodbye, so long! I had dates and such with maybe 5 guys… and they have succeeded in proving that this world is a cruel one. Doesn’t matter if you are in a dark place and still very hurting from your last love, doesn’t matter if you tried to killed yourself multiple time and that you are fragile… they will add another nail to your gasket, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the last one. They will take that last piece of worth/self-esteem you have even if it’s already gone. Doesn’t matter as long as they get to their goal, add another ass to their list. And I won’t add the ones that says they want to see you so bad but when the day arrives, no word, they disappear. It’s actually what happened as I write these lines.

So after all this hurt, after all these very nasty, heartless encounters, what exactly should I think or be feeling? (Note here that even professionally, it’s been a disaster, and I don’t know how or why.) How can I even think positively? How can I even get rid of these dark thoughts? How can I believe in the human kind’s kindness? How can I want to go forward?

When I sit and think, I can only see hate toward me, dislike, hurt, pain. I did have a 8 years of wellness in my 37 years on this planet. With Dan. But I really analyze my life and I really wonder what’s wrong. What do they have against me? What did I do wrong? Why to I deserve everything I went through? How was I able to keep it together until 2014?

I will never hide it, not for attention, but because it’s a fact: I still want to die to end this pain and those awful feelings. I just wish my previous attempts have not been stopped, I just wish that my cats would peacefully cross the rainbow bridge so I can too without fearing for them. But I am held here, for them.

If you have this incredible blessed gift of having someone genuinly loving you… don’t take it for granted. Cherish it.

 

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NOTA: M.A.S. I still foolishly love you. Dearly.

My pain. My love.

To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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Simple dreams but…

During childhood or our teenage years, even adulthood, we all have our dreams, wishes, goals. We want to become this or that. Me, I wanted either to be a police officer or enter the military. Sadly, I never thought about myself, so it pretty much went down the drain for me.

Let’s dream a bit… I always was simple, yet precised. Some wants that big modern house, 23 rooms, 10 bathrooms. Not me, I actually hate modern. I like those centennial old houses, wooden cottage style houses. One that would be away from city stress, in the middle of the Canadian nature, where you can’t hear the highway nearby but can almost hear the history that she saw since she was built. A house you can feel the warmth.

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 Of course, a dog or two. I like a lot of breeds though, such as the Bernese Mountain dog, the Doberman, the Pitbull, the Rottweiler, the German Shepherd…So maybe a mixed breed in a shelter, waiting for his forever home? And why not a little stable? But with not more than two horses to enjoy rides and their incredible zootherapy power: A Canadian Horse and a Clydesdale.

My dream car? I am car girl, I like “muscles” and “tuners” but if I had the choice of a luxury car to add to my collection, definitely a Maserati Quattroporte GTS. But know what? I am happy with my Civic coupe but seriously, the sound on that luxury car? Oh dear! I am drooling!

But these are all materials (Not so much the animals, but you get the point.). If I had the choice, all this,  I don’t want. I want something that 9/10 people on this planet has but I never had: Someone that truly, honestly loves me. I want to stop being on my guards, abandoned myself. I never want to be played anymore. I want to taste happiness because I never did. I want someone that a few times per day will tell me: “I love you” and mean it. I want to feel protected in someone’s arms, be loved. I don’t care if I have to live on the streets, that is not the important thing and I have learned it with time. For some reason, life decided I wasn’t worth this, and I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but at some point, at the age I am, it became a need like water and sun but my hopes are gone, like my trust. So if you have this, please, don’t play with it, be thankful, be very thankful or you might “kill”someone a little more. In my case, I have more chance to have my nearly 200 000$ Maserati….

Love. Simply.

I have realized something in the past year, even more recently. Something that I think I knew but never really saw it as a need. When I was well, I had a few relationships. Relationships I took seriously (2 years, 7 years and 8 years.) and of course “teenage loves”.

I had my share of being played, cheated, assaulted and taken for granted. I ended them quickly, with no looking back. I was my own person, could take care of myself and was so strong. But with my last shitty relationship, and me falling hard like I never did before for a man, it hit me like a tons of bricks. As I am battling to get a normal life again and fighting depression, I realized I cannot go without it. I am not a heartless, I am not a “I don’t need no one” girl. I am like everyone: I want and need to be loved.

Have you ever realized how it can be calming and fill your heart with so much happiness when the person that you love takes you in their arms and hugs you, when you cuddle and snuggle? Seriously, do it, for ONE hug with your loved one, stop, take your time and feel it. Take these feelings in, it’s intoxicating, it’s beyond that well-being feeling. I have just realized it in the past year. Seriously.

Some will take that kiss and hug for granted after a while. And here, I do not talk about mother/child love, friendship love, but that special someone that makes your heart beat louder, that makes you see the world more beautiful than before, that one person you think about all the time. We are all human beings, we all “feel”, we all have weaknesses, we are all in a world that can be cruel, filled with hardships and with people that will hurt us with no remorse, we all need to be special to someone other than mom. Who ever you are, no matter how invincible you think you are.

Love. It’s more powerful than I would ever thought before. I realized I never been really (well) loved. And today, I am craving it. I am craving this man that was there for me lately, that for the first time, I am unable to see my life without. And I am not craving sex, I am craving the feeling of being loved. Craving his arms. It’s amazing to me to feel all this. But I don’t want to make this post all personal. So my message here would be to those that are unable to let someone “in”, whether you’ve been hurt in the past, cheated, beaten, played, betrayed…. love is an amazing thing once you have found it, mostly when you have that ” I think something brought me to that person for a reason” feeling, even if it’s not “perfect” yet but you can’t let go. It makes life worth. But don’t forget that this love cannot be found with a simple spell, it can take time and lots of heartaches. And believe me, right now, even if it’s difficult and not entirely what I need right now due to my health and our past, I am happy that a year ago, I decided to give my heart a chance to love again, as I have now a wonderful man that is able to make my day and myself, feel amazing.

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Don’t take a chance.

Before the game (GO HABS GO!) and in between periods, i’ve catched up with two shows that I follow: 19-2 and Unité 9. They are shows from Québec and they are in french but 19-2 now has his english version. Those last episodes had something to make you think again. Mostly 19-2. One of the officers saw his girlfriend and nephew die in a car explosion, and he tried to save them. His grief was unbearable, Producers did well in showing the hurt and pain.

It just made me think again about how important it is to not take life for granted. I know I have said this before, but don’t wait to tell the ones you love how much they are important for you and how much you love them. This moment might never show itself again. If you have to tell them everyday, so be it, I don’t know anyone that wouldn’t appreciate it.

My “now/future events to come” dreams are back.

Like some knows, I often have dreams that predicted something. The most awful one being that someone will die soon. Got it right 9 times out of 10. I haven’t dreamed about it in a long time, no worries.

Lots of people don’t believe in the power of dreams. I understand. But I have experienced mine, I am now a believer, but it’s not an exact science. Some of us have the “gift”, some don’t. Some it’s constant, some not so much.

I had one last night about fire, one in a long time… here’s what it means:

“To see something burning in your dream indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore.
To see a lit fireplace in your dream symbolizes contentment, warmth, and comfort.
To dream of lighting or stirring a fireplace suggests a burning a desire. You need to get to the heart of some matter or situation.
Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. If you are not afraid of the fire and it is under control or contained in one area, then it is a symbol of your own internal fire and inner transformation. Something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing.
To see a flame in your dream symbolizes purification.”

This dream was in my old house when my parents were together, but I can’t find what this part means. But the most important part was the fire.

So am I finally getting peace in my life? I hope so… like.. now… But dreams do not always says when. Some are now… some will be eventually…

Life is a bitch / Message of hope.

After comments/revelations made to me on my “relationship” post, few things that occurred around me and that I have noticed, I decided to share my story on this. Maybe it will bring hope or/and tell you that you are not alone. Maybe some won’t like what I will write here, but I don’t care. If it can help people, make them come out, talk, etc. Well my work will be done. I don’t want no one to live what I have.

I had my first “boyfriend” when I was 14. Lasted for 3 months, ended weird, him saying that I wasn’t his style anymore. But it was alright. Not so long after, I hooked up with a guy from his hockey team. A week after this guy pulled me aside saying that he needs to tell me the truth, he was only going out with me to piss up the other one. It worked. Done. I wasn’t mad, child “relationships” and he was man enough at this age to tell me the truth. I still am grateful that he did. If you read this, thank you.

After this, nothing really noticeable, but going from 15 to 17, I had a best friend. He was important to me. We got along very well. At some point, he was like this big brother. He was a year older. Feelings were starting to get in the way, on both sides. Even though a girlfriend of mine was putting herself in between us… and that he kinda liked it..all was fine. But there was this one night, when something almost happen between us. But I refused to go further, scared to lose his friendship and scared that it wouldn’t mean anything, since that girl was still in the picture. After this night, he disappeared. I never heard of him again. Never knew what happened. I was heart broken. The first heart broken moment in my life.

At 17, after a friend of mine was desperately trying to match me with someone, going through pretty much everyone she knew, I unexpectedly connected with this one guy, when she gave up on me. We passed an entire night, in a park, sitting on swings, talking. Within 2 days, we were in love, doing everything together. Never in my life have I met someone that understood and could put up with my bad temper like he did. So patient, loving, easy to talk to, etc. We were, in our group, the perfect couple that everyone was jealous of. Everyone envied us. And yes, even behind close doors, everything about us was still perfect. I think we never had a fight. But into our 8th year together, things changed. After so much years together, I wanted to start to think about us, our future. Maybe start with looking slowly for a house and after we’ll talk for the kids and all. But kids wasn’t an assurance and I understood, because his deceased brother had Down syndrome, and he didn’t want to go through this again.

What went wrong? He didn’t want to hear about the eventual house thing and everything that comes with it. Why you say, if everything was perfect? I don’t know. Never knew. As easy he was to talk to, and we were able to talk about our feelings and problems, as much he never wanted to tell me why. It frustrated me. Hurted me too. And after the one and only jealousy crisis he made me, that was it. I was out. I left him after 8 years. Almost 9.I still regret my decision today.

So I needed to get out of this city, region, so I moved at 2h from my hometown. Lived with another man that became a life partner and my first nightmare. This “man” was mentally abusive to me. I rapidly went from 125 to 190 pounds from not being able to eat what I wanted because he won’t let me, and being always inside doing nothing. After a little less than 2 years, the abuse got worse. He even told me in my face that he cheated on my multiple times and with a very thin girl with big boobs. A couple months after, I had enough. Enough of his cheating, screaming at me all the time, degrading me…He was always on dating sites, and never hid it. I told him one night “I am leaving you”. That’s when he tried to hit me. Then he started crying like a baby, saying to not leave him, that we will get married and all. I said no. He tried to hit me again, this time his fist was at not even at 1 mm of my face. I was able to take a few things and go to a friend’s house. I have deposited a complaint for assault to the local PD. He is now not allowed to approach or talk to me.

This friend that helped me, a bond grew following those events. It ended into a 7 years relationship. A good one for the first 2 years… then it all went down. I am someone that likes to take care of the one I love. So I started to be taken for granted. He wouldn’t even do little things to me like getting me a Gravol when I was sick in bed. Wouldn’t wait for me to be well before asking me to “spread my legs”. I wasn’t able to get a long hug or cuddle him to watch a movie without having to “spread my legs”. When I was sick, each year I usually get a asthmatic-bronchitis, and started to cough during the night, he would tell me to cut it out because he was trying to sleep. Oh! I was giving a lot of presents from him. But that’s not what I wanted. Yes, I tried to talked about it, nothing changed. I sucked it up, trying to work things out. But my desire for him starting to fade, my love too. He was getting weird and disappeared a few times for “overtime” during weekends or weeknights. It’s possible, right? I never went through his phone or pay. At that time, I still trusted people, it was fragile, but I did. But him too, never left this one dating site.. and was still active… My heart stopped.

Then the last year went bad. I couldn’t do it anymore. But I kept “fighting” trying to make things work. But a friend that I started to talk to began to open my eyes: I am not happy and I already did everything I could. I started to think about divorce and all (yes, we got married…). But wasn’t ready yet.

Then this one morning, when I was getting ready for work, he ran upstairs with my iPad in his hand saying “we need to talk”. I knew what he did. He “cracked” my iPad password and went through all my texts with this friend, through every confidence I have made. “You cracked my password!?” I said. He said “no, it was easy to guess and I wanted to go on the internet”…. “Bullshit” I said, “You always use my laptop!” And it’s then that I had the final push I needed, “I am done with you, it’s over”.

He went through all kinds of emotions. I was relieved.

But we have a house together. We agreed to stay in it, to back each other up for the time we need. A couple weeks after, he got into a relationship with this coworker that I saw once. I was happy for him. But got suspicious. “For how long has this been going on?” Silence. He was looking at me like he was caught in the middle of a murder. After 30 seconds, “Oh! a week.” That was it, I got my answer. I got also my answer to those “looks” when we went to get that painting at her home. I got cheated on again. For how long? How many times? I don’t know. That’s also when he started being abusive. Accusing me of things I never did. Accusing the man I was seeing of stealing me from him. Threatening of sueing me. I had 2 important things in my life a this very moment, my dog Tahoe and my weekends with the man I was seeing. He started to aim for those important things. Cutting me from my part of a credit card, so cutting my gas to go and see this man. Then he refused to puppysit OUR dog during the weekends, saying he needs to see his girls and go out too. But she was at 15 minutes from home and Tahoe can stay 8h alone, and she can sleep at the house that he had all for himself! And me, I have to do 3h of road..

He refused more and more to stay with Tahoe. I had to bring my baby back to the breeder. At this very moment, that was it for me. One massive hit. I cried so much on my way back from the breeder, I had trouble seeing the road. I wanted to be nice, but he didn’t appreciate it, getting vengeance like a little kid. Since then, he kept threatening me, he tried to hit me once, sueing threats, threatening me of taking my car, name it. The house is up for sale now. But I lost my job and have nowhere to go.

After all of this, not talking about my professional struggles, bullying in school, hardships in high school, I am surprised I am still able to stand up. What I have described is not 1/3 of what happen, just the general facts. I am someone that when she loves, she doesn’t do it just for the kicks. I love hard and for real. I care a lot and I think that all of this is why I have been taken for granted. Why have I been played? I guess played and taken for granted goes with one another… Cheating follows..

And here I am today, struggling to keep my trust up. Keep my trust in the one I love, in the fact that I deserve to be happy and will be happy someday in a relationship. I try, try so hard. But I did in the past year had 2 anxiety/depression attacks that brought me in the hospital. Wondering if I am worth. Wondering, why me? I don’t think I ask for much. I just want to love and be loved, a truthful relationship with no lies and secrecy. A relationship where we are able to discuss our feelings and fears, where I’ll finally be his one and only girl that he would proud of. One like the one I have destroyed when I was in my hometown…

I was a very strong girl. Bad temper, always her head up. But I got at the end of my rope, broken. Trust, self-esteem, all gone. But for some reason my hope is still there. My hope that a “perfect” relationship exist. That I will find someday that special man that will cherish me as much as I cherish him. One that will only need me and not other random girls in his life. The one that hugs you hard and says “I love you, baby doll”… That misses me as much as I miss him when we are apart. The one I will end my life with, our house, our dog, happy.

Yes, I keep hope. A fragile one, but I still keep hope. Meanwhile, I try hard to work on my trust and self-esteem. Trying to keep my head up. But I did promise myself that if I am “rejected”, played, or whatever with the man that I love and adore right now, I am done with relationships. I am moving far (why not Cuba? ahahah), with a dog. And don’t anyone bother me ever again in my attempt to gain peacefulness, alone.

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The fragile, strange thing called life.

We recently had the news that one of the great actors in Hollywood, Harrison Ford, was in a plane crash. He is ok, no worries. But this incident brings me back to Paul Walker‘s violent death and my so-healthy-father’s death. It should make us think that life is not eternal. As much as the human body is an extraordinary machine, as much it’s weak and fragile.

We tend to forget it. So we are reckless and take everything for granted. But we could just cross the street and BAM! That’s it. Ends there. Or a simple routine blood work could suddenly announce that you have 3 months to live.

My father died in 2010 if I remember well. Cancer. I never had a good relationship with him, but I still was his princess and he was my dad. My dad was the typical man: showing feelings is a weakness, doesn’t believe in sickness, never cries and unable to “speak”. Surprising, I got once in a while, mostly in birthday cards of course, “Love you kid!”. My dad’s “ways” made everything so hard, my mom was on the edge of depression and in 1992, they had a divorce. And I will keep under silence the game he played behind my mom’s back while married. It got so bad after the divorce, that I stopped talking to him. Everything was always my fault, unable to talk things out, unable to be truthful. I stopped talking to him for 7 years.

Of course, he was the typical proud man, right? So I was the one that made the first step to talk to him again. Everything was better, but never did we made things clear on what happened. But I did made things straight. He was worst than a teenager sometimes. And then, the news: Colon Cancer. I was living at 2h hours from him, having a weird but not so bad relationship, working, tired… I wasn’t able to see him that much. I learned his passing a week after he died. My family on my father’s side are the worst I ever saw so far. I never had the chance to see him one last time. I never had the chance to talk to him one last time. Today, I still miss him. Of course. And have so many regrets.

That weird thing called life is not something that will last. We never know when our time will come or when we will lose a loved one. Please, remember to tell family, friends, spouses, that you love them, as often as possible, as you might never have the chance again. Cherish them and cherish life. Life goes at 1000 km/h… and like Ferris Bueller said: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”