To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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Simple dreams but…

During childhood or our teenage years, even adulthood, we all have our dreams, wishes, goals. We want to become this or that. Me, I wanted either to be a police officer or enter the military. Sadly, I never thought about myself, so it pretty much went down the drain for me.

Let’s dream a bit… I always was simple, yet precised. Some wants that big modern house, 23 rooms, 10 bathrooms. Not me, I actually hate modern. I like those centennial old houses, wooden cottage style houses. One that would be away from city stress, in the middle of the Canadian nature, where you can’t hear the highway nearby but can almost hear the history that she saw since she was built. A house you can feel the warmth.

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 Of course, a dog or two. I like a lot of breeds though, such as the Bernese Mountain dog, the Doberman, the Pitbull, the Rottweiler, the German Shepherd…So maybe a mixed breed in a shelter, waiting for his forever home? And why not a little stable? But with not more than two horses to enjoy rides and their incredible zootherapy power: A Canadian Horse and a Clydesdale.

My dream car? I am car girl, I like “muscles” and “tuners” but if I had the choice of a luxury car to add to my collection, definitely a Maserati Quattroporte GTS. But know what? I am happy with my Civic coupe but seriously, the sound on that luxury car? Oh dear! I am drooling!

But these are all materials (Not so much the animals, but you get the point.). If I had the choice, all this,  I don’t want. I want something that 9/10 people on this planet has but I never had: Someone that truly, honestly loves me. I want to stop being on my guards, abandoned myself. I never want to be played anymore. I want to taste happiness because I never did. I want someone that a few times per day will tell me: “I love you” and mean it. I want to feel protected in someone’s arms, be loved. I don’t care if I have to live on the streets, that is not the important thing and I have learned it with time. For some reason, life decided I wasn’t worth this, and I know I have mentioned it in previous posts, but at some point, at the age I am, it became a need like water and sun but my hopes are gone, like my trust. So if you have this, please, don’t play with it, be thankful, be very thankful or you might “kill”someone a little more. In my case, I have more chance to have my nearly 200 000$ Maserati….

This awful lonely feeling.

For the past couple days, even more, I have this awful lonely feeling. I have always been more of a lone wolf, but I feel restless. I never had depression before, is it a stage in my road back to normal? My motivation as even lowered. A little bit of tears came back.

This awful lonely feeling.

Or is it that change in me, the fact that I now need someone and that I have no one to call my own anymore for so long?

 La Louve is restless, straying around the territory. Panic and sadness can be seen in her eyes. Her Beloved Alpha Wolf is not there to comfort her. Did he abandoned her? She feels unworthy and not important to him anymore. She howls, but only silence answers. 

I try to keep busy, but I sadly can’t afford (for now) more horse lessons, or any other activities whatsoever, still waiting for some news from an employer.

My head, heart and soul are still hurting. Everything seems to go so well now… except for one thing…. One so important thing..

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No more running

Despite an ongoing twilight
A sad light appeared to me
Telling me to stop
Just stop

I am out of breath
My whole body hurts
My head is about to explode
I have run for so long

Stop, I have to stop
No more running after you
No more begging for your love

Yes, I am deeply in love with you
But why run when I can’t see the end of the road?
Why beg if I see no true constant fondness?

One day you seem to care
At last, I feel important
But suddenly, deception
A slap in the face
A push off my cloud
Another illlusion

This empty space seems larger 
My need to be loved is greater
But my hope is getting darker

Leave other’s grief out of my misery
I have my own unbearable pain
Selfishly, I have to care about me
About my own happiness
I have my soul to save from darkness

I might not be worthy
I might not be important
I might not be beautiful
I might not be perfect
But what I have to give is infinite

I crave, I need
Loyalty
Affection
Passion
Security
Love
But why never me? 

I am exhausted
I hurt
I am out of breath
I am done running

But know I will be laying here
Waiting for you for eternity
Because I love you dearly

But my sweetest love
I won’t run anymore
I can’t… 
  

My love/hate relationship with technology.

I am a 80’s kid. Born at the very end of the 1970’s. My childhood in the 80’s was the normal one as far as I know: all day on my bike, in the pool, at the park, building dirt stuff under those giant pines at my best friend’s house, playing with the dog and since it was the start of gaming, some gaming on an Atari then the NES.

Then, my teens, the 90’s. Time of experiences. I do admit I started going into bars, well, what we call in Quebec, boîte à chanson/brasserie, very young. I was about 15. Sitting there, beers, lots of good conversations and fun, laughs, etc. First boyfriend, first kiss, high school, staying out late, being trouble makers in the middle of the night such as putting firecrackers on people bedroom window…  Beside the fact that I think I was too much of a strong willed person with a bad temper, and that’s the reason why many didn’t like me, I had my circle of friends. 

Middle to late 90’s is when I had my first computer, a “grape” iMac and internet. Cell phones were getting popular, of course I had one. Beside being able to be joined anywhere and not only on the pager, nothing changed. But then came a new era, the 2000, adulthood, smartphones and social media. 

I am one of those who owns an iPhone, has a Facebook account with friends and family. I play some games and used to have a Twitter account (until it transformed into a fight). I enjoy instagram and the pictures of tattooed boys on it and put up pics of my dog/cats and selfies. I watch videos on Youtube, yes, cat videos too! I prefer texting to call sometimes and would feel empty without my cell.  So yes, I am following the flow of technology, I am still very good at it, and I even changed my Xbox 360 to a Playstation 4 this winter. 

But when I want to have some quality human time is when I want to come back to the 80’s. It’s when I want to break every single piece of technology I see. I am on lunch break at work, want to chat with coworkers, you get in the kitchen and every single 6 employees have their nose in their cellphone. Silence.

You get home, well, right now I don’t give a shit, I live with my ex… Ahahaah!

So, you go out with friends, parties, restaurant, home, anywhere! Everyone, their nose  in their &$!&*# phones! No quality time, no conversation, dring-dring, vibe-vibe. It’s everywhere! 

That is a little bit insulting. But get this, I have, like others girls that I know, been cheated on by an ex who was “shopping” for potential women on the net and my other ex was still on a dating site while with me. No wonder I never saw their phones and their computer were secured. A bad side of technology that I can’t stand anymore and I am sure, will be the cause of most divirce now…  Ok, done with this part of my life that I try to keep behind me..

Nowadays, you just can’t socialize in society without having at least 1/2 of your group being on their phones. Yes, I do to: When it seem it’s the only thing left to do or when I am alone and bored. Forget to be an example, no one cares, they don’t notice anyways.

How ironic that technology that is supposed to bring the planet together is so able to isolate us… Eh?

It’s one of the reasons why I wouldn’t mind moving deep in the woods, where internet is not available… But leave me cable, I want to watch Habs games during winter!