To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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Service Animals.

We all know about service dogs: For the blinds, deaf, disable/handicaps, epileptics, autistics, etc.  The ones that are less known are the cats and dogs that give emotional support; Animals helping those afflicted with PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety disorder, and so on. Cats, dogs, animals are known to calm, to lower blood pressure, bring some happiness in one’s life. We can only think of zootherapy and how sick kids and the elderly suddenly smiles and interacts when that furry therapist enters the room!

There’s also a programs for veterans using horses and have shown great success. Emotional support dogs can prevent crisis, bring comfort and courage to those afflicted with a mental illness… But here’s the problem… THEY ARE NOT RECOGNIZED. Meaning, a person like me, that have severe depression and anxiety disorder, could use one… BUT would not be allowed to bring my dog everywhere I go since they are not recognized as an actual service dog, even though I had crisis at work, and public places such as malls and restaurants. And I think it’s not only in Canada. But they do exist and they do help! But as they are not recognized, not only they are not allowed in public places, but you could get in trouble with landlords that hate animals.

I think that organizations like MIRA and the Canadian Service Dog Foundation, should push to make them service animals like the one’s for the blinds. And know what? They should also do like Courageous Companions, and use shelter dogs….

 

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I am not crazy IV: Drowning in depression and the Quebec health system.

Last night, I ended in the hospital again. I have never felt the need of cutting my wrist this awfully strong. The only person I cared about and was able to hold my head over the water, make me smile, doesn’t care about me anymore, or has he ever…I am destroyed since this same morning. I scream my pain, my needs but no one wants to hear me.

I didn’t want to take my car, I asked my ex to take me to the hospital, I was crying, in pain, he said: “I’m in bed now”. So I took my car.

Depression has become my best and only friend. The kind that loves you so much, he wants to kill you. Breathing is chore, living is impossible. I have seen what they called “professionals” in the past. My last psychiatrist (Qc) refused to analyze me for BPD and go further in my life since my depression is an accumulation of events. He stalled at the very moment, the now only. (A complaint was sent to the College des Médecins)

So I got admitted in this hospital in Quebec last night. Instead of having someone, like both times in Ontario, giving me something to calm me, ease the “pain” until I see the doctor, well like each time in Quebec, like last night, they have put me in a room with no medication and no one, no nurse to come and see me once in awhile to make sure I was ok. I sat there, crying my life, alone for 3h. In such a crisis, I got sick. My emotions had the time to calm down and to shift to anger, hate. When a doctor finally entered the room and casually asked: “What’s up?” with this superior tone and attitude. I told her how sadistic it was to leave me alone, in excruciating pain in a room, with not even a little something to help. She gave me that little smirk and said: “I just got here”. I told her to leave me alone and came back home.

Now, I am totally alone, more than ever. I do have this friend, but the only person that was able to “heal” me, abandoned me and lied to me. He brought me in a darkness so dark, I never thought it existed. It’s thick, suffocating. It wasn’t enough that mental illness pushes away people, that you end up alone, I had to lose it all. I lost my last lifesaver, he doesn’t want me.

I get sick hearing people saying “Oh! it will get better” – “you’re strong, you’ll be fine” – “Everything happens for a reason” – “There’s something for you, be patient”, and so on. Stop pushing those bullshit quotes down the throat of someone in depression, it doesn’t help, it makes it worst. It makes us want to puke, to hit something. Mostly if you’ve be unhappy for so many years, a lifetime. I tasted happiness once, I stupidly walked away.

This past weekend, more than ever, he destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I can’t even get a job and will most probably be homeless in February. I am lost, alone, unloved, a failure, unworthy, and hope has totally disappeared in front of my eyes.

If you have a love one that is hanging on to you to breath, to keep his head out of the water, don’t betray that person, don’t abandon them, don’t leave them. You might be their last thread, and if it breaks, death might be the last person that will welcome that person arms wide open, promising no more pain. Ever.

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Terrified.

Past experiences, mental disorder… I am terrified of things and not of others. Sometimes wish I could disappear when my body and mind reacts, but I resist because I want to feel this good feeling I can have sometimes, craving it. I like those poems I have found, dark but it’s only the truth, it can make us see the dark… See what we can see, feel what we can feel.. maybe some will understand…
Terrified.

Out for help I cry
My screams making no sound
Imagining a way to die
The blood in my ears pound

Resentful is how I’d describe
The way I feel about my life
Thrown at me with no second glance
Not wanted, nor asked for this chance

Yet here am I
Then, what, is being
Stare with dead eyes
But truly seeing.

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I’m Terrified.

I‘m terrified of being close to you.
Your smile.
Your laugh.
Your hugs.
They scare me.
Because it’s too right.
I’m terrified,
of loving you.
Because I don’t want the hurt.
Of you leaving me.
Like others have.
I’m neurotic.
Impatient.
Moody.
I’m a mess.
You don’t want me.
I’m terrified.

I AM NOT CRAZY PART III: Anyone ever heard of BPD?

A video made by a girl named Kira Hollis is circulating through Facebook and the net right now. Since it was tagged as a video on mental disorders and being HALF diagnosed, I decided to watch it. As the video played, tears starting to flow, some light came through the dark. I jumped on Google to search: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Could this be it?

We all hear about the same disorders and illnesses, those who are easy to diagnosed: Depression and anxiety. Beside the movie “Girl, Interrupted“, which I will recommend if you haven’t seen it yet, I had never heard the name BPD. Going through the video and the articles, I could just relate, except one “symptom”, or more of a behavior aspect. Did the “home test” on the reference website: scored severe (36).

Some will think that I shouldn’t put my problems on a blog, but I need to share since there is so much passing through health systems, so much people with troubled minds, and so little people capable of dealing with an afflicted loved one… I know how it feels to be alone in an empty mind, raging, crying, any little concerns bursting something in your brain and you lose it, having no one brave enough to hold your hand through this: everyone afflicted needs to know they are not alone, and those who knows one who is afflicted should know about what it is. And it’s good for all three: Depression, anxiety disorder and BPD. Also to say I am sorry to some..

Recently I have experienced how it can be hard for others, scary to be with me, someone has put the cards on the table for the first time in my life… Got on the edge of losing someone I adore and hang on to for my disorder because I am “out of control”, able to go through a list of 10 emotions in 5 minutes. And this was before I knew about BPD. Now I think all the way back and I put 2 & 2 together, the possible causes, my life, me… Even right now, writing those lines without crying is hard. I have BPD. Probably since I was 16.

Just knowing this, I see a small light and it feels good. The person I love is still with me and it feels good. A very little number of friends are still there, and it feels good.

Do your searches, surround yourself with the ones that love you no matter what, do what makes you happy, gather all the little positive together.

Now to be officially diagnosed… damn Qc health system, may take awhile…

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