Be prepared world, it’s official.

The US “Prez party”. I didn’t watched it as I do not approve of my southern neighbours in their choice.

I know I few good Americans here and there and despite an unhealthy love for weapons and very narrow-minded beliefs, I will never put all of them in the same basket. But yet… The majority did spoke and this majority is dangerous, and did show some  unnecessary violence throughout the campaign and after. The US has stepped 100 years backwards instead of continuing going forward and it will have major repercussions in their already fragile relationship with the rest of the world.

“There’s a reason why we, Canadians, always wear our Canadian flag when abroad, and it’s not only for pride for our country, but to not be mistaken as an American… and more than ever now, we should proudly wear it.”

Trump brings back the image of a country that thinks that world owes them, that they are better than other countries and they will bomb everything if needed (Sounds a bit like the muslim extremist party…). And yes, this is what the world sees, sorry to break your bubble. This image started to fade slowly with Obama, but you cannot change decades of negative reputation in only 8 years, but you can destroy 8 years in one hour.

I could go on and on with this subject, but I do not think it would change anything… I mean, this is the country that wants to bring more weapons each time there is a mass murder…

I will wish you all best of luck.

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NOTA: I am not putting this image as a disrespect but as the image that Americans will destroy their own country, themselves, by their own hands.

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To the men of my past, present and future.

Since day one, I have had trouble with men. Some would say it’s that theory that little girls seach for their father in every man. Except for one, as far as I know, they have all cheated on me, played me, lied to me. My father did it to my mom too. So is the “curse” real? I am trying to think so. I even have trouble to find dedicated firends.

I don’t know if we can count the 2 early teen love. But still, I wasn’t appreciated, but have to admit one was very truthful and admitted he wanted to be with me to give hell to my ex. It worked it seems. But thanks PY for the truth. Really.

I was then pulled in everyway with a man that couldn’t decide if he loved me or my fromer best friend.. He left without a word, leaving his sister I loved so much behind and grieving. The I met the only man that actually appreciated me for me, knew and had the patience to deal with me and my BPD. I can still call him the love of my life. And the one mistake I made out of anger. Just seem after 8 years he didn’t want to start crusing to another level with starting with are own place… I was heartbroken, and left him in the worst way. Never he understood or accepted my apologies, even the last ones I have sent him in April this year. Since moving to Gatineau, the curse got worst.

I was assaulted, controlled, demenished, lied to, cheated on, played with taken for granted, unheard and the list is long. I did love those men. Even got married to one. I have refused offers for amazing careers for them. But at that time, I was still very strong. I have use my last strenght to leave my husband. But behind that strenght was a Caporal that was holding me up. And depression was knocking at my door. I was called names by my ex, accused of things I would never do. My baby Tahoe was taken from me, while my “savior” showed signs of cheating. Depression crashed through the doors and attaqcked full force. I only had that man left in my life. So much love, yet so much illusions. I was hanging on to him to stay alive but still at one point tried to send my truck off the highway 3 times, unable to deal with the pain. I attempted to make it end several times, end the pain, end my love for that man, end my useless life, end me.

Why do they all asked me to stay and not leave them, that I am the best they ever had but still hurt me so monstrously? He got me several time at the hospital, for attempted suicide. Don’t ask what he had more than the others, I can’t answer that question. But my last time, he refused to reassure me. He left me there without a word, when I needed him most.

Since then, my trust in men is gone. My self esteem and self worth are crushed, in the garbage. I am terrified to be led on the same path again. Some things are still hard to think about, see, hear. He left and open a wound that I had wide open and I am still bleeding to death as we speak. I can feel the blood, life leaving my body.

I try to befriend with others. But I am terrified and at the same time, I crave to be love in an honest way. I want to taste happiness once in my life. But this curse…. Some of my so called good friends left me in the worst of my depression.

So I have rejected many. Afraid. Terrified. I’ve had some of the worst symptoms and disorder related to my depression… I am isolate by choice but by obligation at the same time.

Fighting alone to have my cats back, my therapists, I am not done on this hellish roaller coaster.

I ask for so little. I ask for the normal things of life. Even just a call to advise me our weekend would be delayed ws to hard for the last one I thought different… Same pattern as my lost Caporal… I am not worth anything that is related to respect and I am starting to believe it. Really.

I see the futur very blurred. Blurred and dark. I want to go forward, not look back. Some things just follow me like an awful scary shadow, so I guess I will have to learn to live with it. I wish to have someone who would hold me, take my hand and say “it’s ok, you are not alone anymore, I’ll help you through this and won’t let go” .

Cost nothing to dream, right?

Sorry if I have badly mispelled…so, tired…

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The last hit. 

For almost two years, I was hopeful to find happiness and know how it feels after 36 years. I was deeply in love, words can’t describe how in love I was. As I felt some irregularities, instead of having my depression and anxiety always at a low level, it would act like a roller coaster, I couldn’t get anything out of his mouth, and I was terrified: I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want him to be another cheating/liar/player, I was craving love and security. So I cried a lot, terrified.

In the past month, I discovered that the man of my life was cheating on me. Taking me so much for an idiot, he had the guts to spread it on social media. Now I know why I needed to be hidden.  Why wanting me then?

It’s been a week since I last talked to him, he ended by saying it was my fault and I ruined is life. Plus lies. My fault? All I wanted is to be honestly loved! I am not the one who slept around.

This was the biggest hit I ever took, the kinds that kills you.

So I am here, lying in my bed, unable to live normally, motivation at zero, self-worth/self-esteem gone, trust in people gone, wishing each night to not wake up in the morning because the pain is too vivid and raw, eating my insides. I never thought in my entire life that someone, a man, would have so much effect, impact on me.

As my emotions and feelings are a mess, my mind and soul in a very dark place and my “joie de vivre” is gone… I will stop blogging. I am drowning too much in sorrow, and using the lil energy I have left for my to fight for Pitbulls…

Thanks to those who read me…. Maybe someday I’ll be back, but I doubt I’ll find the path to happiness as it was always taken away from me for some reason.

Be well,

Melanie A.k.A La Louve

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This awful lonely feeling.

For the past couple days, even more, I have this awful lonely feeling. I have always been more of a lone wolf, but I feel restless. I never had depression before, is it a stage in my road back to normal? My motivation as even lowered. A little bit of tears came back.

This awful lonely feeling.

Or is it that change in me, the fact that I now need someone and that I have no one to call my own anymore for so long?

 La Louve is restless, straying around the territory. Panic and sadness can be seen in her eyes. Her Beloved Alpha Wolf is not there to comfort her. Did he abandoned her? She feels unworthy and not important to him anymore. She howls, but only silence answers. 

I try to keep busy, but I sadly can’t afford (for now) more horse lessons, or any other activities whatsoever, still waiting for some news from an employer.

My head, heart and soul are still hurting. Everything seems to go so well now… except for one thing…. One so important thing..

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Will they ever learn, change, evolve?

And it happened again. Innocent citizens were killed. Again.

Again a hate crime. Again a mass murder. Again a narrow-minded citizen. Again someone that shouldn’t have been allowed near a weapon.

To us, news like this from our southern neighbors and allies, it’s common news. It is VERY sad and shocking news. But common news. I want to say something about it, but I am speechless. It’s a major “facepalm” case. If Americans ever becomes extinct someday, it won’t be by terrorists from another country, it will be by their own hands. The country will explode by itself.

I cannot believe that a country, people, in 2015, still doesn’t believe in peace of life, respect, dealing with issues without violence, still believes in having loaded weapons all over the house and using them “because it’s their right and the guy stepped on my lawn”, is still hardcore racist and homophobic…. and I could go on…..

I know that it’s NOT EVERYONE. I realize this fact. But politicians and citizens refuses to change their thinking and by-laws towards weapons. One major problem. I mean, when a dog shoot his owner, and toddlers are killing their mothers but they all still leave weapons all around at children’s reach… we have a major issue.

And of course this easy access to weapons bring mass murders and hate murders. But hate shouldn’t lead someone to kill. You have the right to “not like”. But to kill? Does the Americans also have a genetic mental disorder? Something that drives them crazy, makes them kill and hate everyone on the planet but themselves? For their color? Because they are not American and white? Because they don’t like what you like and don’t live like you live and this without obligating you accomodate?

It’s been worst and worst through the years and the past few months…. What the hell is happening?

And it’s not only crimes against the black community, it’s also about how can a mentally disturbed teen/young man, that openly shows hate, can be allowed by parents around weapons and ammo to then enter a school and shoot everyone?

I am honestly unable to say anything constructive at this point. Words are hard to get out. I am sincerely sorry for my American neighbors, and yes, I am really beginning to “hate” them…. But I will just stay on my side of North America, and ignore you.

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